So, a short while ago our staff
network had someone introduce themselves to our group via the staff LGBT+
mailing list. This person introduced themselves as a cross-dresser, and stated
that they are transgender.
I should have sent my hellos really.
I didn’t think to do this because I had had coffee with the same person that
day and have known their personal situation for some time.
The reason I should have is that
I am the openly trans* person on the LGBT E&D advisory group (as far as I
know – I shouldn’t assume, but I’m sure someone would have said otherwise…), as
well as a member of said mailing list. I have made it clear that I am open
about my gender and am happy to answer questions.
Therefore, the reason I should
have openly responded to the email is not for the person themselves, but for
the rest of the mailing list.
Why? Well, I was at a social the
following week and I realised that a number of well informed, groovy folks
didn’t necessarily understand the email as well as I. As in, the wording. More,
this is not a simple binary situation. These people know I am a transgender
woman and that I am she/her/hers. But crossdressers – how does that fit into
things? What are the right terms and
pronouns to use? How do you deal with getting it wrong?
Terminology is hard. We, as a
society, are improving our understanding of those around us all the time. We
have a long way to go, but I am sure that the number of folks on the streets of
Oxford understand the term trangender. They may not be perfect with it, but I
expect they understand what it entails and that, importantly, it is not a
fetish thing – and hopfully not a mental illness. I think so. Maybe not all,
but certainly a much higher percentage than say five years ago.
But, as I said, terminology is
hard. There are so many variables. So many permutations. And as great as
society is, I am reminded constantly that even terms that have been around a
while are not actually ‘common’. A few times recently I have been asked what I
mean by ‘LGBT’.
We should not assume that terms
we, in the queer community, use all the time have actually gained universal
understanding. In the same way that using the term sputtering in the, common in
the material science field, has a very limited wider-scale understanding. And when
it comes to gender, it is hard to keep up with language.
Why is it hard? Well, simply
because meaning shift. Once gay meant happy, and certain derogatory terms were
seen as acceptable. Queer is an interesting one. Once a pejorative term, it has
been reclaimed by the LGBT+ community as an umbrella term, in many ways an
alternative to LGBT+ which is, letter count-wise, ever expanding. It
encompasses gender and sexuality if used in blanket form and is, in my opinion,
a fantastic choice for this purpose (having been repurposed!).
Gender terms (and variations) and
growing /changing fast. Recently there was a list of ‘gender choices’
distributed (apparently from a school survey). I think there were like 20 odd
terms. Now I am trans* and try to keep my finger on the trans-pulse. But I had
never heard of many, didn’t understand others and would be hard pressed to
provide an suitable explanation for others that would make everyone happy.
So I thought it would be cool if
I could at least put some thoughts down for a few of the, let’s say, ‘basic’
trans* terms. Again, this is my interpretation (how I referred to myself) – and
my way of dealing with things like pronouns – to be used as a guide but not
gospel.
So transgender is the umbrella
term for all gender variance. It may no longer be suitable as it is basically a
binary term: given it’s meaning of ‘across’ as a comparison to cisgender
(‘same’). It is pretty clear there are other genders that are both or neither
of the binary genders, but this is still the currently accepted term. It can be
shortened to trans or trans*. The asterisk I there as a placeholder:
transgender, transsexual, transvestite, trans-woman, trans-man, etc.
Transsexual is a term that is out
of favour to be honest. It refers to someone medically transitioning. I use
this term for myself. I think it is ‘fit for purpose’ as an explaining term and
it does give me a distinction within the umbrella term of transgender. I
suppose it is out of favour as it uses the word ‘sexual’ which may be confusing
I guess, but I’m still happy to use it for myself. I would not use it for
others though, unless I know they are happy with it. Confusing enough?
Transvestites and cross-dressers
are less understood. These terms are probably the ones that are most often
thought of as fetish-like, but this is not generally correct. True, some
cis-gender people will cross-dress either as a fetish or ‘as a laugh’. These
people are not transgender. Ditto drag-queens and –kings.
However, cross-dressing can also
be used for transgender people who wear clothing of the opposite sex because
they feel comfortable or happy doing so. It is that sense of feeling ‘right’
that makes it a transgender thing, rather than ‘feel dirty’ as a fetish (for
lack of a far more suitable term).
Transvestite used to add to this;
not only wearing the clothes of the opposite (born) gender but also acting and
feeling this way. But I would say that these days many trans-folk use
cross-dresser this way and I cannot help but think that the term transvestite
is more out of favour as it is more understood to refer to someone who dresses
for fetish, reasons than because they are trans*. Maybe I am wrong.
A case study: How would I
describe myself at various times of my life and what pronouns are correct?
So, I have always been
transgender. Full stop.
When young I cross-dressed, just
to see how clothes and makeup felt on me due to some deep down desire. At this
time I was he/him/his – because I didn’t know any better.
As a teen and post-teen I was
somewhere in the gender fluid / androgynous range. I wore makeup, had long pink
hair and just wore what I wanted. During this time, honestly I’d have been
happiest with the pronouns they/their/theirs. But mostly (as a scruffy
punk/goth/grunge teen) I went by ‘it’. This term is only suitable for
teenagers, regardless of gender. I just didn’t care, I looked what I wanted.
Then I grew older and gained fear
of upsetting the normal folk. For years I lived as a closet transvestite. I
spent as much time wearing and ‘acting’ female as I could, whilst all the time
presenting and living as a male. I occasionally went clubbing, but again this
was me: the transvestite. Now, during this time I was he/him/his when
presenting as male and she/her/hers when presenting as female – and this is
something I would apply to trans* cross-dressers.
At a certain point, I medically
transitioned. Then I saw myself as transsexual. Socially I had not fully
transitioned, so during this time I presented as androgynous. I presented as
neither male nor female. Again, the pronouns they/their/theirs fit best but I
let it go.
Then, I followed my medical
transition with a social transition. At this point, she/her/hers is clearly the
correct choice of pronoun. With this came a name change. And as I said in a
previous blog entry, not only did I change my legal name from a male to female
name (as defined by standard social conventions), but I actually used a name
different to my transvestite name. Neither of my old names fit me anymore. I
was someone else, someone reborn. So, I had a new name to match.
I have been in many states of
‘transiness’. I have moved through various stages so I know what they are like.
Not all trans-folk are at the same stage as me, and some have no intention of
every moving through them all. It is a personal choice.
So when a person describes
themselves as “a cross-dresser and transgender”, I’ve been there. I both
understand and support that person and their gender identity.
So, why did this blog come to be?
Well, some folks were asking how to deal with pronouns for someone who is not
clearly of a binary – or rather, of different binaries depending upon the
situation. Well, as I said above, takes clues from someone’s overtly gendered
appearance or name. If someone presents as overtly male, use male pronouns –
and the same for females. Pick up the signs. This is especially true if they
have a male and female name that matches.
Of course, this will not always
work. As I say, I was gender-fluid and wore makeup ‘as a boy’. And there are
non-binary and gender-neutral folks around. Some boys are just very,
classically effeminate and some women are butch. Yes, hideous ways of
describing a person’s look, never do it to someone’s face (or behind their
back), but I am using these words as they are easy to understand.
So you will be in the situation
where you are just unsure. I’ll be honest – this is tricky.
There is no good way of dealing
with it – but I would suggest that it is better to try rather than not. If I am
unsure, I introduce myself and follow with my pronouns. If they are trans*,
chances are they will do the same in response and won’t if they are cisgender.
Not defiantly, but maybe.
Still not sure, well, there are
three options.
Totally avoid pronouns in
reference to that person at all. Which is harder to do than you may think, but
possible.
Or, use gender neutral pronouns,
they/their/theirs. Technically, this is not wrong to do and I am trying to do
this as standard at the moment. But it does come across a little distant and
cold so I understand not wanting to do this. But, as I say, at least you are
not wrong. (Course, if a person looks, dresses and acts overtly of one gender,
and has a clear binary name that matches it would be weird to go neutral and
may upset some folks. I’d be bothered by it to be honest.)
Then your other option is to ask.
Shocking! Now again, I personally would be a little put off by this seeing as I
clearly present as female – but better this than getting it wrong. Sure, you
could always say it to that sensitive person who gets massively upset – but I
suspect it would be more cisgender folks that would be upset by this than
trans-folk (or trans-folk who VERY CLEARLY as their gender). Again, at least
you are not getting it wrong and you are making an effort.
Ok, side note. Obviously here I am
saying that I think it can be appropriate, and fair, to ask for someone’s
pronouns of choice. However, unless it is clearly acceptable you really should
not ask what their gender or sex is. I know. It is weird and it has some sort
of sigma. Society would be better if we were able to be more open. If asking
was normal it would not single anyone out. Really the utopia would be a society
where you really cannot assume gender (and sexuality). But for now this is a
kinda line that you shouldn’t assume you can cross.
It goes without saying that there is very few times when asking what genitals someone has is appropriate. And this includes the question “have you had the surgery” or similar iterations.
So given how complicated it is: you will get it wrong. I get called he from
time to time by folks that know my gender identity. I slip and use the wrong
pronouns from time to time when referring to others. And I think of the old me,
the gender-bending boy in a dress who could easily be called ‘her’. Well
intentioned by the speaker, but wrong. (Course, I would have not minded and I
assume other gender-fluid folk are the same, but everyone is different!)
You even if you know the correct
pronouns to use, you will still get it wrong. For me, the best way to get over
it is to just carry on. And then make sure you get it right next time. I know
it was a subconscious slip caused by the knowledge I was born male; something I
make no effort to hide and actually talk about quite openly.
Yet sure, some folk will be upset
– and will either tell you straight away or, you know, glare at you. What do
you do then? Well, I still feel it is madness to stop and correct yourself.
Maybe, if you do it so quickly that it is practically the same mashed-up word it
is ok. But otherwise you are drawing attention to the mistake. Carry on
talking.
If you do carry on and are
getting the evil eye, maybe try and force the conversation so you have to use a
pronoun ASAP: and get it right! In this way you are not drawing attention to
your slip but you have made it clear that it was a slip and you know better.
Some folks may not give you the
chance, and may jump in and say something. Well, in that case there is little
to do but say sorry. It was a minor mistake on your part and the person jumping
down your throat really needs to let things go a little because it happens – a
LOT. If I jumped on every mistake I would be wound up and constantly looking to
spring. That would not be healthy. Know yourself that you just made an honest,
simple mistake in your own mind.
Course, if you keep doing it then
you are a jerk. At some point you should learn!!!
