An update on transition - My life ROCKS

So it has been a while since I did an update - added to the story of my journey to transition. I just watched a video by Claire Michelle in conversation with someone who transitioned like 50 years ago and it made me think it was time to get my ass in gear and update ya'll.

Life is worth living now. Ha, straight into it, but that is pretty amazing. It took me a long time to get to this stage but nowadays I actually feel alive. I have my moments, have my wobbles. There are little things that trigger me, as I have discussed in older blogs. But in general I would not change a thing with where I am. I am happy with my place in society, the things I do, the way my body is, the pace of my transition. Sure, I would love the odd thing to be different but there is nothing that makes me trip out.

Well, apart from the way trans people are dealt with by the courts, media and schools. We still have progress to make in these areas but I think progress is happening. Change is happening and eyes are being opened. Hopefully I am playing my bit part.

I could not do so if my life was not in a great place, if my mental health was not good and if I didn't have the amazing support of friends, family and colleagues. I have never shied away from the mess that I was. If I had not transitioned when I did my life was done. I think that this is the crux of whether or not you need to transition, as a friend pointed out the other night. I knew I had to transition. Others I have talked to say the same thing - they just could not go on 'getting by as the wrong gender'.

I hate that the press think that it is such a trivial thing, to transition. No one takes it lightly and we open ourselves up to all sorts of abuse. The stats for suicide amongst the trans community are crazy high and I expect that they are so much lower than the reality. Had I ended my life three years ago that would not have been registered as due to gender dysphoria - I would not have registered on the trans suicide stats. There is zero chance that this is uncommon. Right now we claim a figure of 35 - 45% risk of suicide for trans folks compared to 5% for the non-trans community, I say that the true figures could easily be more like 80%. But we can never question the dead.

Sorry, I need to vent a little here. The more visible trans issues are, the more we acknowledge that gender dysphoria is a real issue, the earlier we recognise it the better. The BBC have just commissioned a show aimed at 6 - 12 year olds talking about transition and this is amazing. On the other hand the Daily Mail is leading a campaign against this, against the trans charity Mermaids, against the trans and trans-supportive community at large. This kind of speech is dangerous. This kind of thinking will lead to the loss of lives. We cannot get away from that. It cannot go on.

Is gender dysphoria a mental health issue? Well, as I have discussed before - no, it just leads to issues with mental health. Before I transitioned I spent most of my life in a deep, dark depression. That lifted when I transitioned. Cause = effect. I love life. I have bad days, but I know that they are bad days. I can accept them as such. They don't lead to my mind spiralling into the depths. Transitioning is the best thing that I could have ever done and I will never, ever regret it.

Turns out that life is actually pretty fantastic when you do it right.

In my case, that means in a dress with a TARDIS tattoo on my back and a blood stream full of oestrogen. Bigger on the inside - damn right I am.

Now that I am in the place I am I fully intend to do what I can to use that and help others get to the same place. Social change will take time. It will take effort. It will not be overnight. The signs however are good in this country.

I cannot change the world but if I make one person's life better then that is what I am here for - what my life is all about. There have lucky that there have been a bunch of these moments in my life and of late I have had a bunch more. the other week I had a kid from a trans LGBT group call me cool. Cool - me! I'm a nerd. But I am living an authentic, and very non-incognito, life - the kind of person 'the youth' need to see (that makes me sound old doesn't it...); the kind of person that allows them to see that they are not alone. In the same way that old Baby Chaos albums used to make me see that I was not the only person who got depressed.

I am in a position where folks listen to me and there is a chance I can make little differences here and there. I am getting involved at the uni with loads of events, I have started helping with a local youth LGBT group, I am engaged with Stonewall, doing training to go into local schools. I am involved with the city and county councils in minor but still real way. I was able to bring up a horrible case of repression of a trans schoolie to a member of the county council and fingers crossed it will be followed up. I hope so. The meeting was totally accidental but now I have it I will be keeping my eye on it.

I can use my position as a happy, pretty successful, trans woman to fight for those who are not in a good place. When we have the strength we have to help each other.

I am doing what I can to bring things together, to make sure that efforts are not wasted or work is redone. I am seeing so much engagement from outside the LGBT community which is amazing - and this is where strength comes: from all sectors working together for common causes.

My life experience is LGBT but that does not stop me supporting disability or BME issues. This was echoed at a panel I watched yesterday discussing youth disability and the arts - it was amazing how welcomed I felt at the event. People almost seemed grateful that I was at the event as a member of the LGBT community which was, honestly, quite embarrassing. Just because I am fighting for LGBT rights does not mean I stop caring for other vulnerable groups. Those youths were bloody inspiring.

So yes - I am much happier in life and with that I can go about business like a real person rather than the shadow I used to be. I am comfortable in my skin and I am making the most of it.

I get looked at every so often, but I don't really care. Helps that I have the attitude that if folk give me a dirty look I throw them a grin back. I have learnt to accept myself so other people's opinions really don't matter to me as long as they don't have an impact on my life.

Talking of my own skin - that is certainly softer than it was. I am constantly amazed at what hormones can do. My breasts are not huge but are still on their way. My hips and ass are reaching proportions where I am happy in a skinny dress or jeans. Body hair has gotten significantly less and very light where it does grow. I actually think I am starting to have a reasonable body. Really gotta shake my belly off though - not climbing for so long has had its toll in my middle.

My face keeps changing. I am shocked but I really think it is still changing. I cannot explain what but when I look in the mirror, every so often I notice changes. The standard thought is that most physical changes happen within your first two years, but there are still ongoing changes for 5 years of hormones or so. At the 2.5 year mark, I am still finding surprises here and there.

This brings up an interesting point. The truth is that the younger you start hormone replacement therapy, the better the effect you get. However, you can still have kick ass results later on. I was mid thirties when I started and honestly I am so happy with what the hormones have done for me. I tend to pass by in the street without a second glance. It is only when people actually look at me that they realise I am trans. I am in no way 100% passable under any prolonged glance but I don't get clocked from the corner of eyes which I used to. Sure, I would love to pass 100% but I am comfortable with where I am. And let's be honest, if I was not comfortable being looked at I wouldn't die my hair turquoise. I am hiding nothing of who I am.

I guess this is why I am so lazy with practicing my voice. I have done a course of speech therapy, I can achieve a great pitch and can module my voice to a tone that would stand out less as masculine. Yet, I don't. Yes, I (still) hate my voice but at the same time I am comfortable with it. Partially it adds to the visibility and partially I am really, really lazy when it comes to practicing. Odd, but there ya go. Slowly slowly it'll change I think. I'm down with that.

So between features and voice, I am visible in public. That means folk know 'trans people walk amongst them' and this is actually pretty important. Especially as, every so often, someone will come up and ask you about it.

Yesterday I had a lady constantly casting me glances. After a while she came over and said that her child has recently come out as transgender. I was able to talk to her about it - assure her that getting things wrong at first is totally normal, remind her that her lack of knowledge on the subject is actually the norm but that resources are available. That support is available. I dunno, I hope something I said was useful. At the very least she was able to see that a trans person can exist in the community and be happy. Have a laugh. Just do normal things. I could see how many questions she had and if I were not visible, those questions would remain.

Sometimes just 'being' is important.

Whilst I am comfortable with myself, I still want surgeries. I am getting closer to my referral for bottom surgery, closer to the long waiting list for this. I am not happy with my body in this regard and the sooner I sort it out the sooner I can just get on with it. I just want it out of the way really. Being able to wear leggings without worrying about a bump would be ace. And in the same vein, not having to wear knickers that are so tight they are uncomfortable would be awesome too.

I also want some facial feminisation surgery, FFS. Sure, my face has changed and I like it way more than I ever used to but I would still like to alter a few of my more masculine features. Just get them a little in line with what I imagine in dreams. A few minor alterations.

I also realised recently that if I was offered a free boob job I may actually take it. I have never been of the thought that boobs make the woman. But for free… maybe. Not huge, just a little extra. I hadn't really thought about it to be honest but my gender clinic mentioned it on my last visit. Sure I'll take it if offered but I would rather have the two surgeries above first. Unfortunately FFS is not often available in England (yes in Scotland sometimes, I think) on our NHS. That is something I would like to see change - but I also would like to see the NHS actually be funded better all round.

Well, I guess I have made follow-up updates to previous blogs on mental health and physical changes, as well as going all social change warrior.

I guess that leaves the 'romance' side of things…

I watched a retired woman talk about how she has not made romance work for her despite having a long, successful life. Yet at weekend I hung with a married couple, one of whom has recently started to transition. Truth is, whether you are straight, gay, cis or trans you may or may not find love. Simple as that. It would be interesting to compare stats of straight and gay populations who are happily married but I don't have them and at this stage and I feel too lazy to research it.

From a trans take, I guess some of it is confidence and comfortability in our own skin. I am finally starting to feel normal in my own skin and my confidence is growing. Not that I think I am a sexy lady or owt like that but I feel happy with myself. I am still waiting for surgery, like I say. I think I would be much happier once I have the right bits. Hormones do 'effect' how things work and I also worry that were I lucky enough to be in a relationship it would get complicated changing so drastically.

So for now, when it comes to relationships, I am patient.

That does not mean that I don't look around. Well, I am not actively looking around but I am starting to notice people again. For a while it was like I had my eyes closed to others - which for anyone that used to know me probably sounds crazy. But yer, I was just happy getting on with my own little self and making loads of great friends instead.

Since changing my hormones a few month back I have started to develop mini crushes on people. Weirdly for me these are both male and female crushes. I have always had an open mind but I just never found guys attractive. But of late I find myself thinking "hmm, cute". This took me by surprise. It is only minor for guys - my big crush right now is femme, but it is an interesting change of perspective. Course, most of the guys are gay, damn, but there ya go.

And that raises an odd one in itself. I don't know what sort of sexuality I actually appeal to. If I appealed to a gay man then does that mean I am failing as a woman? Can a lesbian really fall for a trans woman? Can a straight woman? Hmm. It proper mashes my swede.

The idea of actually approaching someone and asking whether they like me or not is insane. I guess this stems from knowing that I am not fully accepted as a woman. Sure, folk will accept my gender identity and support me but on some level, some level there is that 'something'. That same thing that makes people call me 'sir' in shops when I am looking half decent. The subliminal level of acceptance, no matter how much I am accepted on a rational level. I'm not moaning about this, it is how it is. Heck, I have moments where I wonder how I see myself. In my dreams I have a very clear trans-female identity rather than just female.

Makes the idea of dating a 'mare! - Like it wasn't confusing enough as a straight teen boy.

I think we need little badges that say 'open to dating a trans woman'.

A simple guide to terms and pronouns for transgender humans

So, a short while ago our staff network had someone introduce themselves to our group via the staff LGBT+ mailing list. This person introduced themselves as a cross-dresser, and stated that they are transgender.

I should have sent my hellos really. I didn’t think to do this because I had had coffee with the same person that day and have known their personal situation for some time.

The reason I should have is that I am the openly trans* person on the LGBT E&D advisory group (as far as I know – I shouldn’t assume, but I’m sure someone would have said otherwise…), as well as a member of said mailing list. I have made it clear that I am open about my gender and am happy to answer questions. 

Therefore, the reason I should have openly responded to the email is not for the person themselves, but for the rest of the mailing list.

Why? Well, I was at a social the following week and I realised that a number of well informed, groovy folks didn’t necessarily understand the email as well as I. As in, the wording. More, this is not a simple binary situation. These people know I am a transgender woman and that I am she/her/hers. But crossdressers – how does that fit into things?  What are the right terms and pronouns to use? How do you deal with getting it wrong?

Terminology is hard. We, as a society, are improving our understanding of those around us all the time. We have a long way to go, but I am sure that the number of folks on the streets of Oxford understand the term trangender. They may not be perfect with it, but I expect they understand what it entails and that, importantly, it is not a fetish thing – and hopfully not a mental illness. I think so. Maybe not all, but certainly a much higher percentage than say five years ago.

But, as I said, terminology is hard. There are so many variables. So many permutations. And as great as society is, I am reminded constantly that even terms that have been around a while are not actually ‘common’. A few times recently I have been asked what I mean by ‘LGBT’.

We should not assume that terms we, in the queer community, use all the time have actually gained universal understanding. In the same way that using the term sputtering in the, common in the material science field, has a very limited wider-scale understanding. And when it comes to gender, it is hard to keep up with language.

Why is it hard? Well, simply because meaning shift. Once gay meant happy, and certain derogatory terms were seen as acceptable. Queer is an interesting one. Once a pejorative term, it has been reclaimed by the LGBT+ community as an umbrella term, in many ways an alternative to LGBT+ which is, letter count-wise, ever expanding. It encompasses gender and sexuality if used in blanket form and is, in my opinion, a fantastic choice for this purpose (having been repurposed!).

Gender terms (and variations) and growing /changing fast. Recently there was a list of ‘gender choices’ distributed (apparently from a school survey). I think there were like 20 odd terms. Now I am trans* and try to keep my finger on the trans-pulse. But I had never heard of many, didn’t understand others and would be hard pressed to provide an suitable explanation for others that would make everyone happy.

So I thought it would be cool if I could at least put some thoughts down for a few of the, let’s say, ‘basic’ trans* terms. Again, this is my interpretation (how I referred to myself) – and my way of dealing with things like pronouns – to be used as a guide but not gospel.

So transgender is the umbrella term for all gender variance. It may no longer be suitable as it is basically a binary term: given it’s meaning of ‘across’ as a comparison to cisgender (‘same’). It is pretty clear there are other genders that are both or neither of the binary genders, but this is still the currently accepted term. It can be shortened to trans or trans*. The asterisk I there as a placeholder: transgender, transsexual, transvestite, trans-woman, trans-man, etc. 

Transsexual is a term that is out of favour to be honest. It refers to someone medically transitioning. I use this term for myself. I think it is ‘fit for purpose’ as an explaining term and it does give me a distinction within the umbrella term of transgender. I suppose it is out of favour as it uses the word ‘sexual’ which may be confusing I guess, but I’m still happy to use it for myself. I would not use it for others though, unless I know they are happy with it. Confusing enough?

Transvestites and cross-dressers are less understood. These terms are probably the ones that are most often thought of as fetish-like, but this is not generally correct. True, some cis-gender people will cross-dress either as a fetish or ‘as a laugh’. These people are not transgender. Ditto drag-queens and –kings.

However, cross-dressing can also be used for transgender people who wear clothing of the opposite sex because they feel comfortable or happy doing so. It is that sense of feeling ‘right’ that makes it a transgender thing, rather than ‘feel dirty’ as a fetish (for lack of a far more suitable term).

Transvestite used to add to this; not only wearing the clothes of the opposite (born) gender but also acting and feeling this way. But I would say that these days many trans-folk use cross-dresser this way and I cannot help but think that the term transvestite is more out of favour as it is more understood to refer to someone who dresses for fetish, reasons than because they are trans*. Maybe I am wrong.

A case study: How would I describe myself at various times of my life and what pronouns are correct?

So, I have always been transgender. Full stop.

When young I cross-dressed, just to see how clothes and makeup felt on me due to some deep down desire. At this time I was he/him/his – because I didn’t know any better.

As a teen and post-teen I was somewhere in the gender fluid / androgynous range. I wore makeup, had long pink hair and just wore what I wanted. During this time, honestly I’d have been happiest with the pronouns they/their/theirs. But mostly (as a scruffy punk/goth/grunge teen) I went by ‘it’. This term is only suitable for teenagers, regardless of gender. I just didn’t care, I looked what I wanted.

Then I grew older and gained fear of upsetting the normal folk. For years I lived as a closet transvestite. I spent as much time wearing and ‘acting’ female as I could, whilst all the time presenting and living as a male. I occasionally went clubbing, but again this was me: the transvestite. Now, during this time I was he/him/his when presenting as male and she/her/hers when presenting as female – and this is something I would apply to trans* cross-dressers.

At a certain point, I medically transitioned. Then I saw myself as transsexual. Socially I had not fully transitioned, so during this time I presented as androgynous. I presented as neither male nor female. Again, the pronouns they/their/theirs fit best but I let it go.

Then, I followed my medical transition with a social transition. At this point, she/her/hers is clearly the correct choice of pronoun. With this came a name change. And as I said in a previous blog entry, not only did I change my legal name from a male to female name (as defined by standard social conventions), but I actually used a name different to my transvestite name. Neither of my old names fit me anymore. I was someone else, someone reborn. So, I had a new name to match.

I have been in many states of ‘transiness’. I have moved through various stages so I know what they are like. Not all trans-folk are at the same stage as me, and some have no intention of every moving through them all. It is a personal choice.

So when a person describes themselves as “a cross-dresser and transgender”, I’ve been there. I both understand and support that person and their gender identity.

So, why did this blog come to be? Well, some folks were asking how to deal with pronouns for someone who is not clearly of a binary – or rather, of different binaries depending upon the situation. Well, as I said above, takes clues from someone’s overtly gendered appearance or name. If someone presents as overtly male, use male pronouns – and the same for females. Pick up the signs. This is especially true if they have a male and female name that matches.

Of course, this will not always work. As I say, I was gender-fluid and wore makeup ‘as a boy’. And there are non-binary and gender-neutral folks around. Some boys are just very, classically effeminate and some women are butch. Yes, hideous ways of describing a person’s look, never do it to someone’s face (or behind their back), but I am using these words as they are easy to understand.

So you will be in the situation where you are just unsure. I’ll be honest – this is tricky.

There is no good way of dealing with it – but I would suggest that it is better to try rather than not. If I am unsure, I introduce myself and follow with my pronouns. If they are trans*, chances are they will do the same in response and won’t if they are cisgender. Not defiantly, but maybe.

Still not sure, well, there are three options.

Totally avoid pronouns in reference to that person at all. Which is harder to do than you may think, but possible.

Or, use gender neutral pronouns, they/their/theirs. Technically, this is not wrong to do and I am trying to do this as standard at the moment. But it does come across a little distant and cold so I understand not wanting to do this. But, as I say, at least you are not wrong. (Course, if a person looks, dresses and acts overtly of one gender, and has a clear binary name that matches it would be weird to go neutral and may upset some folks. I’d be bothered by it to be honest.)

Then your other option is to ask. Shocking! Now again, I personally would be a little put off by this seeing as I clearly present as female – but better this than getting it wrong. Sure, you could always say it to that sensitive person who gets massively upset – but I suspect it would be more cisgender folks that would be upset by this than trans-folk (or trans-folk who VERY CLEARLY as their gender). Again, at least you are not getting it wrong and you are making an effort.

Ok, side note. Obviously here I am saying that I think it can be appropriate, and fair, to ask for someone’s pronouns of choice. However, unless it is clearly acceptable you really should not ask what their gender or sex is. I know. It is weird and it has some sort of sigma. Society would be better if we were able to be more open. If asking was normal it would not single anyone out. Really the utopia would be a society where you really cannot assume gender (and sexuality). But for now this is a kinda line that you shouldn’t assume you can cross.

It goes without saying that there is very few times when asking what genitals someone has is appropriate. And this includes the question “have you had the surgery” or similar iterations.

So given how complicated it is:  you will get it wrong. I get called he from time to time by folks that know my gender identity. I slip and use the wrong pronouns from time to time when referring to others. And I think of the old me, the gender-bending boy in a dress who could easily be called ‘her’. Well intentioned by the speaker, but wrong. (Course, I would have not minded and I assume other gender-fluid folk are the same, but everyone is different!)

You even if you know the correct pronouns to use, you will still get it wrong. For me, the best way to get over it is to just carry on. And then make sure you get it right next time. I know it was a subconscious slip caused by the knowledge I was born male; something I make no effort to hide and actually talk about quite openly.

Yet sure, some folk will be upset – and will either tell you straight away or, you know, glare at you. What do you do then? Well, I still feel it is madness to stop and correct yourself. Maybe, if you do it so quickly that it is practically the same mashed-up word it is ok. But otherwise you are drawing attention to the mistake. Carry on talking.

If you do carry on and are getting the evil eye, maybe try and force the conversation so you have to use a pronoun ASAP: and get it right! In this way you are not drawing attention to your slip but you have made it clear that it was a slip and you know better.

Some folks may not give you the chance, and may jump in and say something. Well, in that case there is little to do but say sorry. It was a minor mistake on your part and the person jumping down your throat really needs to let things go a little because it happens – a LOT. If I jumped on every mistake I would be wound up and constantly looking to spring. That would not be healthy. Know yourself that you just made an honest, simple mistake in your own mind.

Course, if you keep doing it then you are a jerk. At some point you should learn!!!

What I think trans* is?

What is trans*?  I mean - what actually is it? Clearly it is some sort of screw up, medically. I don't really see it as having any advantage evolutionary speaking. Course, maybe a few thousand years down the line that will change.

(Do I need to note: just because it is maybe some sort of screw up, it does not mean we are there to be gazed at, despised, and poked at with a stick or something – we are still people!!!)

But what is it? I think the reason that trans-folk cause such an acceptance problem for cisgender people is that it is not a medical or physical condition. Just like being LGB - it is not actually a condition. No, seriously, we just ARE who we ARE. Does this mean that we cannot find a root, a cause for our LBG or T nature, no. Not to me. I think we can find a source. But does it need to be corrected? Don't get me wrong, being trans* causes a whole host of issues that need sorting, both mental and physical. But these are results, not causes of the circumstance.

Maybe we can find a cause, ok. Let's look at that. It could be some sort of genetic mutation I guess. But, as I say, it does not seem to provide any obvious evolutionary advantage. The fact that numbers are rising could be an indication of mutation. Maybe we are the true homo-superior? The next evolution of mankind. Stan Lee may have ad it all wrong with the X-men. But it may be that numbers are a constant percentage of the population and there are just more people ‘out’ as trans*, screwing up the stats. That happens…

What else? Well, it seems likely that it is to do with chemical releases in the womb. The thought being that DNA provides the bodily, physical sex and chemical/hormonal released in the womb instil the sense of gender identity. I do like this - it would provide a lovely 'explanation' for trans* folk, as well as non-binary, gender neutral, etc. by extending the argument. In some ways it would be nice to have a medical explanation for who I am. To shut up the deniers and haters. My being should not need justifying.

But this brings us back to the question, if the hormones control the identity (a mental thing), and DNA the physical identity, which is the one gone awol? I'd suggest that humans live by the brain and as a result being trans* varies from the standard gender binary norm physically, not mentally. This is certainly how we medically treat trans-patients, with changes to the body not the brain.

I cannot imagine this idea gaining much traction with republicans!

Now, if it is to do with chemical releases in the womb, it is sorta an interesting situation. Again, are numbers on the increase? Because if so, is this some by-product of society. You may have heard of studies suggesting that the increased levels of female hormones in water are turning all fish female. The idea being that we are artificially producing extra female hormones, e.g. birth control, and these are working their way into our water sources. I am a scientist but I have not looked into this deeply enough to put much credence in it. However, it does make sense, could be valid, and is an interesting idea.

If we are messing up fish genders – could this be having an indirect effect on humans too? Note, yes – there has been gender variance noted way down the ages. I am just speculating that we have increased the numbers with things we are doing as a society. Oh, and I am not advocating a ban on birth control – just better environmental responsibility – especially from the manufacturers of such products.

Either way, I actually get worried that there MAY be some medical explanation found to ‘explain’ trans* and gender variant folk. Something that can be measured.

There are trials that have been carried out to measure brain patterns. These seem to show trans-women have cognitive brain patterns similar to cis-females, and significantly varied from cis-males. So, yes. A way to test us.

Sure, this justifies who I am.

Unfortunately it can also lead to a method of judging us. Assessing us. Scaling us. I'm not worried that I will be judged 'non-trans*' or 'not trans* enough'. But surely some would. Would it be something that would get used as a measuring tool? What about those with various levels of gender variation? It would be the equivalent of tests that say 'smart OR dumb only' - a black and white yardstick. A binary test. And the implications of that do worry me.

Back to “what is trans*”? Many experts agree that it is not some sort of mental condition, so what else? I just ‘know’ I am female. I would speculate that gender identity is very much similar to genetic memory – the sort of thing that means that birds just know where to fly in winter. Not an abnormality, just part of our make-up. It is something we really do just know - and this is why children as young as 5 just 'know' their gender identity, as I did. Sure, society presses gender roles on us to huge impact, but more and more it becomes clear that gender is not just a physical and social thing. If it was only a social construction there would not be so many of us fighting against the binary-norm because we feel we have to.  

I would not say that gender identity is a mental health issue, it is a state of self awareness. But it has does have some similarities: it is a non-visible problem. Well, it does have serious physical visibility, but I’d suggest that you can only really understand that if you are trans* – having a healthy but wrong body is not easy to grasp. It is not easy to empathise with.

Yet trans-folk are known for higher than average mental fragility. So it should be stated strongly: This is a result, not a cause. Being trans* gives you a lot of stuff to deal with, given how society is. If society would stop imposing gender binaries, accepted roles and general distain to difference, I would have suffered much less from trans-related depression.

You want an idea of some of the things that cause me pain and worry? Look at my quickly drafted list of guilt complexes below. I will leave out the worries and fear of ridicule, social out-casting and fear of physical abuse:

I feel guilt that I hid who I was from all I care about for so long, locking them out of who I am for so long.

Then I put them in a situation where they have to come to terms with something they may not understand in a short space of time, when I have had years to work it through.

The worry that my family may think I had to hide who I am because of them, even though they didn’t.

That my family may actually feel responsible for me being trans*.

The knowledge that I cannot have natural kids, which I really want.

Also, this may be a source of pain for anyone who would let me share their life, as well as my mother who is an awesome grandmother.

How difficult life would be in general for any partners because I am trans*. How can I honestly commit to a relationship and put someone through that? Heck, there is that one special person who maybe I could have given a great life to, had I not been trans* and made it all so damn complicated.

I feel guilt because I take up medical resources sorting out something that is so intangible and inexplicable - if I lost a limb at birth or had some hideous medical complication, I'd have a 'thing', something to empathise with, but all I have is a sense of misplaced gender.

There is also guilt because I cannot just 'get on with it' - people with medical conditions often do get on with it, there is nothing really wrong with me, why can't I do the same?

I get the usual guilt too but this is different; this is guilt due to my trans* status.  Whether I am or am not right, I have many things I feel guilt about. The list could be longer. I move on, because I have to. Being trans* is not my fault, and is not anyone else's fault either. Yet these guilts will stay with me, follow me round and absorb some of my quiet time.

Imagine, holding something inside, hiding who you are against everyone for years. Imagine your skin crawling when you look in the mirror. Your body doing exactly what you wish it wouldn't when it grows according to your sex. These things cause damage. It is not something you can just get over by throwing on a dress and makeup (if you're m2f). It isn't about clothing. It isn't about looks. It is knowing your entire body is the wrong damn body.

Another thought, but on the positive side; if being trans* was a mental health issue I would never have seen such an improvement in my mental health as quickly as I did after coming out / starting transition. Sure, it is a slow process and you can wish it would hurry up. But that is the same with most things. Sure, I wish my boobs would grow bigger- but that is not a trans* thing. I have 'ugly days' - who doesn't? Bad hair days, totally. And for those of you, of any gender, that do not worry about these things – sweet. But I do and I am not alone.

Being secretly trans* for a long time does take its toll and there is some residual damage. I have talked to trans-women for whom transition did not fix everything. I have met some very bitter women.  But in that case, being trans* clearly is not the only issue. It is not a 'one-pill-cures-all'.

One major cause for concern for me was my career – and this screwed my mental health right up. Recently I was in discussion with someone following an E&D meeting, the emphasis of which was barriers to career progression. The statement was made that ‘at least being trans* does not have any impact on the career’. I quickly pointed out that my job options are limited because I am trans*. Sure, there are rules in place but I think we all know how realistic those rules are in protecting folk like me. I have two degrees plus years of experience - and I really thought that that would be thrown away when I transitioned. I spoke to someone last week who had lost their job for ‘a reason that was totally not their transition…’. I would love to think being trans* has no impact on my career – yet this was the main topic I discussed during my transition with my psych.

Let’s not get into the fact that I did not progress as well with my career as I should have done due to the mental strains put on me trying to decide to come out/transition. I like to think I could have achieved so much more than I have – but a person can only deal with one major thing in their life at a time and my career had to take a backburner.

But this is who we are. We have a lot to deal with, and things like guilt are bloody futile and pointless. If you hear trans-folk preaching, getting over-protective, going too far - know why. Sure, it makes me cringe as much as anyone, but I know where it comes from. By the time we come out, it is far too easy to come out fists swinging and assuming everyone is an enemy. Thus the need for therapy - not because being trans* is a mental thing, but because it causes lots of mental things. We may need help to see that not everyone is an enemy.

But as with any LGBT person, sometimes there are lots of enemies - be it family, friends or just passers-by. Being LGB has a real chance of making kids homeless and abandoned. It has a high physical abuse risk factor on the street. If you are trans*, those factors multiply.

This is why, even though being trans* is not a mental health thing, I really would recommend a serious amount of counselling to anyone looking, or starting, to transition. We have a lot of baggage.

But once you get past that, life can be shiny.