So what is in a name?

This is not something that always requires much thought. Maybe when naming your cat or kid or car. And some of you may even have thoughts about your own name - do you like it or love it. But I expect that generally it is not something you have thought on so much. 

Recently I had to think on my name a lot and in a few different ways as I sent off my legal name change. Is my new name right for me? Is it the right time to change it? Am I ready? What title do I use? And can I let go of my old name?

I always disliked the name Paul. Not that I particularly dislike it, it just never felt like it suited me. I didn't know why I felt that way, but I always did. My name always felt a little alien to me. Kinda obvious now of course!

As I come to send off my deed poll I suddenly start to worry. I have had this name a long time. In some ways it has defined me - having used my name to build a scientific reputation in my field meaning that many people may know me by name only. But then, I was only so worried about that.

For some reason I felt that by signing away my name, which you do with a deep poll - you agree to actually give up your name -- I would also be signing away my history. My mother gave me the name. It was the first thing she gave me. I may feel like the name does not suit me, but it has been me. 

Of course, the idea that I am giving away my history is crazy. My memories remain, why would they change? I know they will not go away. But it does somehow feel like changing your name is somehow going to make you a different you. I guess that is why so many trans* folk are so keen to change their names as soon as they can. They feel the disconnect with the name they have, like I had, but also want to become a different person. I understand that, but I like my history. I like who I am and I don't plan to change all that much. However, I did need to change my name and it did feel like a big, positive step as part of my transition. So I did it with the same feeling as when I started my hormones - a here we go attitude. Turns out that it is pretty easy to do.

So, what about the actual name? Well, my mother had provided my first name and I felt that she should have a large input into my new name. 

Funny story. So I have been going out ‘en femme’ as it were for years. I have had a trans* online presence for ages. When I started, I had to choose a name. I had this notion that my mother had planned to call me Sally had I been born, well - obviously and biologically born - a girl. So I used this name online and in clubs for years. You know, that secret life I had that none of you knew about!

But, in truth, I never really felt the name suited me. I used it because, even though she did not know about me at the time, I wanted to keep my mother's involvement in my name present. When I came out to her, I said I had to decide on a name. I told her that I was known as Sally as I knew she was going to call me that. Turns out, somehow I had made that fact up. Totally. No idea how or why but there you go. And as a result I got the 'oh god no, I really don't see you as a Sally'. haha. Oh well. 

So that was kind of nice. Not only was I changing my name from my male name, but also from what I now see as my transvestite name. I was no longer either of those things, officially, so a new name felt right.

And what goes into the choice? Well - I really did not want a name a friend or family member has. That would have felt weird for me. Then you have to take into consideration film, comic and cartoon characters. Not wanting to be named after a jerk! Not too girly. Not too male. Paula and Pauline just are not for me. And once you have a name, you need to check it online to find it's root, find out what it means. So lots to consider.

And as I say, I wanted my mother's input. So I gave her suggestions and let her have a think. She came back with Clara and I loved it. I had had very similar ideas and a quick google (verb) shows it to mean 'light' from the Greek which is really pretty cool. So Clara it is. It helps that it is also the name of a kick ass Dr Who companion, but that is not why!

A middle name was easy. Michael was quite important to my identity as a kid as it differentiated me from the lad that sat next to me at school, Paul James Barker. It is funny how important that middle name became to me. And I like the female version, Michelle. It gives me a link to the original name chosen for me by my mother and I wanted to have that link if I could.

So there we go, the choosing of the name. But the using of it, well, that takes getting used to. 

Even in a dress and makeup, for some reason I have, until recently, always said Paul when asked in Starbucks. That important temple. No idea why but there ya go. I did manage to change that though, and once the cycle was broken I stuck with it!

I even did it at a bra fitting a while back. Muppet! But now I use it when I order things online, I applied for jobs as Clara. It really helps that in my new job and home I am only known as Clara. That is legal now. No one makes a mistake because they do not know any different. I am introduced as Clara, my badge says Clara, my work email is Clara. And the way friends have taken to it - that is awesome. I have noticed, those I talk to on Facebook often have taken to it easier - presumably because they see it before every message so that when we meet, it is something they have seen a lot. For others it is taking longer, and understandably so - they know me as Paul and have little 'practice', I guess you could say, getting used to the new name. But they try and they improve. I am now even Auntie Clara to my niece which is amazing. 

My name is becoming much more natural to me, and I love it - it is becoming 'mine' as well as just being legally mine. I even have my new signature down - something I had not even thought about till recently! 

One final pause for consideration, for me at least. When you fill out a deed poll to change your name, you can also change the title you have. And this was very confusing for me. Because I am not going from Mr to Miss - I have the title Dr. I worked bloody hard for that title and it is something I am proud of. I want people to recognise it - there is nothing more annoying when I send an official email or letter as Dr. Barker and then I get a reply to Mr. Barker. Jerks. 

But for so much longer, I have wanted to be recognised as female. And yes, I have worked hard at that too. It is harder for society to accept me as female than a Dr (although folk do struggle when they see me with that too...). So I have the chance to put Miss on a passport and driving license. This forces people to recognise me as female. Hopefully stops them from mis-gendering me. I am She, Her, Hers. And I VERY much do not want people to be under any confusion about that. I was so happy in the MAC store to be asked "Miss or Mrs”. It grates me when I wear make-up and people call me sir or mate or dude. Note, I do not mind when my friends slip, it is to be expected. But strangers doing it out of ignorance - or on purpose. Yep. They can get stuffed. 

So yes. My gender, and how it is acknowledged is so important to me. But at the same time I have also achieved the title Dr. It does give me an air of respectability given that I am a goth and goths are not taken seriously. Such a hard choice. What would you do?

Coming out (and making transition real)

So, I do not plan – at this moment – to really share specific stories so much. As I ramble this may happen. But really I want to talk about the process. Who, when, why and less of the how.

Coming out is hard to do. Make no mistake. Any of you out there reading this that have come out as gay or trans, I have a remarkable amount of respect. More so if you did it to a hostile or uncertain audience. I cannot begin to image the courage that that would take. BUT  -  if you are reading this and want to come out as something or other – it is a remarkably liberating thing to do. A weight lifts and all the uncertainties disappear. If you are lucky, this allows you to move on without loss – but I know that loss and hardships can follow. Take your time – and be certain about it. And choose your timing and ordering. This is important.

So why is it so hard – or rather why was it for me. I have been so careful over the years with my friends. Not consciously but when someone gives off bad vibes I shy away from them and just want nothing to do. I think I read people well, and act on that. But I am also lucky that those I went to uni with and work with are damn awesome too. I have known rubbish folk, but I drop them as soon as I can. But it is still scary to come out. First up, even though you know the people you are coming out to – sometimes folk surprise you. So that fear will always exist. Especially if you do not really know what to make of your situation yourself. Then it gets really hard. And the other things is – saying “I am trans” to those you know makes it, suddenly, real. And that is hard. We always want the way out, to not have things fixed in place. But once you have said that, people will always have it in their thoughts even if you ‘change your mind’ (?!?!). Also I would suggest that the general populace does not really get what transgender is – as shown but the often follow up question “so are you gay” – which, note, I did not really get.

So I previously mentioned living with two very close friends. I was really struggling with my gender at the time and trying to work out what to do about it. When you have a problem you need to discuss it – it is simple as that. And I thought about it, a lot. I knew my best friend would not judge me. I knew. But I still could not quite bring myself to say anything, despite being so close. On numerous occasions we ended up chatting, me drunk and in tears. Once I said I thought I was gay – for some reason this felt easier and more understandable than being trans. But it was not true and he knew it – and said so. That was the closest I got. Had I said what I really thought I would have been able to discuss it afterwards. Maybe I would have then told the counsellor I was seeing at the time, been passed on to the gender clinic etc. and got this whole ball rolling a lot sooner. I didn’t. And whilst I wonder what would have happened, it is what it is and I had awesome experiences from not starting my transition then – so I regret nothing. And, the truth is that I just was not ready. Close, but not ready.

Once I started to transition, my plan was not to tell anyone until I was ready to go full time. Hahaha. Did not happen! A month in, the first few changes showing, and I was too excited. I wanted to get on with stuff and also to be able to share, discuss things – let my friends in on the best time of my life. So I thought about it. Who do I tell, when and how. For all my close friends I would have loved to tell everyone face to face. But being abroad and seeing folks so rarely, this was not really possible. Skype? Well, possible. But then – at first – I was not sure I could really look someone in the eye and say “I am female”.

Before I started on hormones I had had a few discussions. One of my friends is somewhat gender fluid and he has always known I am trans as I used to go out dressed with him and discuss my thoughts. Another friend I drunkenly told I was seriously considering transition. I told both these folks knowing that it would not really impact their thoughts of me being some of the most liberal folk I know. But these chats were pretty speculative. “I am thinking of doing this”. And I was met with positivity and the urge to do what was right for me. This was a great start. But once I started coming out, once hormones had been ingested, it would no longer be speculative. It would be a fact – I am doing this. Eeps.

So I started easy. My two best friends at the time. Who I knew would not judge me and would hopefully provide me with some support. I compiled careful emails, then sent messages to tell them to read them. And waited. As expected, the response was positive. Full of excitement for me, if a little confusion and lots of surprise. A constant theme of my coming out was surprise followed by the sentence “Whhhaaaattt???? But yes, in hindsight, I am not surprised at all”. I still do not know what it was about me the elicited this response! And so I had the joy of being able to share, chat about what was important to me honestly for the first time, have the beginning out of the way – oh how the weight lifted.

Anyways, following those two, and armed with some new confidence, I told a bunch of old friends – part of the crowd I was with when I first realised who I was. Funny – I did not really have much contact with them at that stage. But for some reason, I knew they would accept me and I felt close enough that they were the right people to head to next. And they did. It got easier with each exchange (via Facebook chats – I would not see these folk for a long while). As a result, I feel like I have regained some of the closeness I lost with these folk, and that is amazing. Oh – and a quick note. You send messages and know folks may not read them straight away – that wait is a bit of a mare in truth! But you just have to deal with it!!!

So now those closest to me. The ones that would feel the weirdest from my point of view – my mother and sister. I did not want to leave them out of the loop till the end but at the same time I had needed the confidence from telling my friends before I had the strength to tell my family. I knew I would see my mother and felt that face to face was important. I had a trip planned where I would pass though home twice and the timing was too good. I knew I needed to take advantage of it - I would arrive one night, tell her the next, leave for a few days whilst she mulled it over and then return for a few days later to chat. The timing really was perfect. Telling her was hard though. When I told my friends, it made the situation real. When I told her, it sealed it in concrete. I could always go back – but it would be harder from here on out. And whilst I say I wanted to tell her face to face – I don’t think I actually looked at the her the entire night! It was great. Confusing for her, but she accepted it. Afterwards I sent YouTube vlogs from folk with similar personalities to me, and she has soaked it all up. Amazing.

My mother then tried to push the issue with a sudden trip to my sisters before I left again. I had not expected to see my sister and I just was not ready. You have to be ready and it took a lot out of me to tell my mother. I did not fear rejection from her, but a shift in our relationship. With friends, you will always be friends. But family have raised you. And – more – the terms change son becomes daughter. Brother becomes sister. This is a real shift. More than he and she. And I was the ‘man’ of the family. I have tried, if not so well, to be the rock when needed. Would this change. Time will tell – but this takes a lot out of your head.

So I bailed from that confrontation with my sister. I needed to tell her soon and I knew that it had to be Skype for timing reasons. So I did. I just went for it. Funny, my mum and sister are so different. But they both said “it is up to you. It is your life”. That made me laugh. But she was cool. It will take time to adjust. How can it not? 

I am 30 years in, just coming to terms with it and still not quite there. Why should I expect folk I know to just accept it? I don’t quite, yet. Time is required. But my family and friends know how happy I am – I am told it is pretty obvious. And they love me and are happy for me. Over time, it will become less weird for us all. And I look forward to that. But in the meantime, my family have treated me absolutely normally and I am so lucky to have them as a family.

Oh, I never actually told my brother in law but figured that once my sister knew, he knew. It seemed crazy to then ‘tell’ him. We have talked since and just carried on as normal. I hope he does not feel put out by the assumption – but it just seemed right.

So then I told more and more folk. Slowly. Many online. Some I knew I would see in the near future so I waited to tell them face to face. It meant I left some longer than I planned, but I wanted the chance to do it this way. Ha. As time went on, it almost became fun to tell folk. A few said "ah, yes. Doesn't surprise me." That surprised me - why is it not a surprise?  I had two folk who I told and, basically they said – “that is amazing. Oh wow. So happy for you. We always knew there was something on your mind and this makes so much sense. Perfect. This is amazing for you” (paraphrased). I think this took me by surprise the most – especially as I told the two from the same group separately and said they both said the exact same thing. Makes me laugh so much to look back on it. It was such a strengthening experience – you would not believe.

A lot of people now know, including work folk, and I have not had a single negative or snide comment. I am a very blessed person and this allowed me to start enjoying the process. By now everyone that I want to know does pretty much. The situation is done – out of the way. And as I described in a previous blog – I feel like I can get on with my life and I feel so much lighter and happier than I ever have.

So my friends and family are ace. But what do I expect from the general public…

My current identity - who I am at the moment

So, it may have become clear that over time I have suffered from gender identity disorder. But now that I am correcting my gender, what is my current identity? i.e. how do I see myself right here and right now.

So I really am transgender. That may seem obvious but for me it was not until very recently. Sure, I knew I want to be a girl but what did that actually mean to me? One translation from Latin, for trans, is 'across'. So when I used to say transgender, personally it meant across the genders - crossing both genders: neither male nor female, but a bit of both. This is how I have seen myself for many years, a bit of both. And when it is used for transgender people, those not actually transitioning physically, it makes a lot of sense to me. But it also means 'the other side' or 'fully changing'- so transgender means becoming the other gender. And I guess that once you start to transition, usually you are known as transsexual and this meaning is most applicable. And now, this is the meaning that I relate to. This is a generalisation, but I think it makes sense - and it does not mean that if you are transgender you will not become transexual. These are just labels. But I think it important to have these terms defined if we are to have a more wide spread understanding of all trans folk.

The details of the discussion are not important.  The thing is: I now define myself in a different way. I do not have the same sense of identity I had.

In the past I always thought that I wanted to be a boy and be a girl / do 'girl' stuff sometimes. I do not want to anger feminists here or make generalisations, but you know what I mean. I thought I saw myself as male with female characteristics. But to this end, I shut down a lot of things I wanted to do. Cut off parts of myself (not literally!!!) from the outside world. I managed these things - kept them bottled up and as long as they had some pressure release it was ok. Ish. However, as my body gets older and any androgyny of youth disappears, I realised that I hate the way I look and the things I do not allow myself to do. But somehow I still felt, overall, male. But, here is the thing, I had a sense of maleness but it did not feel right. It felts wrong and like I am not how I should be. Weird, huh?

So where am I now?

I fluctuate at the moment. I am not quite full time. But then, I have not worn many male clothes this year, rather opting for androgynous female clothes. Female but not in an 'in your face' way. The truth is, I know they are female and this makes me feel comfortable, at ease. Like I can do what I want. Live how I want to leave. Be who I want to be. And somehow the clothes put my mind at ease, resulting in me acting differently. I can feel the change in the way I walk and my mannerisms. Not 100 % feminine but way more than they were. I probably act somewhere in the camp range, to be honest. But it feels authentic.

And when I look and act somewhat feminine, I feel feminine. I just feel more female. And I feel right, let's not forget right! 

It is lovely. I have my moments where I feel feminine. Sometimes I will move a certain way, and it really feels feminine. And when it is a natural movement, the feeling is amazing. I will sometimes catch myself in the mirror and, in the right light at the right angle, there is a girl looking at me. Not even with makeup on - my features are changing. When I look at myself in a cute outfit. It all just feels like it should always have been.

On the flip side, when I throw on an old band tee, sweat pants and a hoodie I have that feel of maleness. It is not gone, it is still there. But now it feels alien and I do not like it. But those times are reducing, both in frequency and duration. (Damn - I said I would never stop wearing band tees - but now they feel odd and I wear, at most, one a week. Not every day. Who I am and what have I done with myself?!?)

My feeling of self perception is changing.

I climbed yesterday, and figured it was easier to go in more boy-ish clothes. One the bus I realised I had pink converse and nail varnish on. Apparently I subconsciously could not leave the house looking too much like a boy! And when I was there, yep, my mannerisms - now standard to my life - were coming through. I got a lot of weird looks. I know folk there thought I was camp as high heck. But I did not care one bit. I realised that I was just being myself. And I felt happy to be myself - sod everyone else.

So, basically I now see myself as a girl with some boy traits, not the other way around. (And no - I am not saying girls cannot climb. Do not be silly. Again, you know what I mean.)

I am changing. My mind is changing and I feel different. And I clearly see myself differently on a sub-conscious wavelength as well. How do I know this? Well, ages ago I watched a video by a trans-girl talking about self image in dreams. As in, when you dream how do you 'present'. Up until recently I have, in the dreams I remember, been a boy. Doing whatever it is I do in dreams, it was old me doing it. But lately, as I catch myself feeling more female, I also find that my 'self' in dreams is changing. It is not quite a girl I see myself as, but as a self-aware trans-female. I see myself as I am in real life, albeit it doing weird dream things. (Totally had some weird 'Attack on Titan' stuff getting in there last night.)

So yes, as well as my sense of self perception changing so too is my subconscious self perception. Clearly I am changing.

And I think that comes across to other folks too. The way I look is changing at the moment, I know that. It is weird looking in the mirror, but in a good way. My features are just a little different. It is hard to put a finger on what, but it is there. Of course, I want to see the differences. But this week alone I had three people that I know pretty well look at me confused when I said hi. The look of 'I recognise you but I cannot place you'. And these folks should recognise me easily. Once I talked to them the recognition was clear but I guess my features have shifted enough to throw people off. Now - I do not want to become an unknown, but it is a lovely thing.

And, even better, I got called 'madam' in my fav coffee chain this week as well. Course, as soon as I opened my mouth the illusion was broken and she got real embarrassed saying sorry over and over. I just laughed. I loved it. Next time, I should not open my mouth! (Grab me a straw will ya?)

But what it is that made her think I was female. Could be that I just look female, but I am not convinced that is true just yet. I put it down to the allusion. I wear androgynous clothes, cover up the beard stubble with a scarf and am gaining fairly androgynous features. i.e. it could go either way. But then I wear something pink and that just tips the person into assuming female. Awesome! This probably explains why folks have had trouble recognising me. A slightly different look and my outfit tricking their mind into assuming I am a female. Voila. I dunno. I could be wrong, but it makes sense.

This is a great boost for my confidence. However, I still have further to go. Two things bother me at present - my beard and my voice. I need to sort these out asap. I do practice speaking slightly less masculine but find it hard to do in real life, especially when surprised. I know I need to do this - the lady in the coffee shop clearly clocked me from my voice. It is ok now when I am in my transition period but once I cross the line, go full time, that would be horrid! Gotta stop being lazy and practice!

And my beard - ughh. I hate it so much. I am trying to sort it but swiss insurance is a mare. I have been trying to sort a session for 6 months now and I have not yet had one. In less than two months I will be in the UK and I will be straight into a private place getting that sorted out right away. I knocks me hugely. It is fine when I can hide it under a scarf but it is getting warmer! Then there is the male ritual I have to go through every morning. The irritation that means I cannot shave everyday due to insane rashing. The blue glow even when I have shaved. And hiding it with makeup is possible, but man you have to cake it on and that is damn sweaty and not such a casual look for out and about. Yep. I need to get rid of it asap.

I guess that there are also 'other' things I want to get rid of too. Sorry, but this is a bit icky - to me at least. Still, it is also a major trans issue and it should be discussed. In the past I always said it would be nice to get rid of my junk but I am so scared of the surgery that there is no rush. Somehow, these days, my view has changed. I just find it really rather annoying. It just gets in the way, is ugly and stuff like that. You often hear of trans-folk having major issues with their born genitals. I didn't but as I go on, and my sense of self changes, so does my view of the subject. Like I say, I do not hate them but I just find them annoying and would happily get rid of it all tomorrow. Never thought that would happen but there you go.
 

Coming back to how I have changed mentally - there is also another big change. I never felt like I belonged to the gay scene, or lesbian scene I guess, what with not being gay and hating the music and clubs. Even the trans scene is not really my cup of tea. Again, the clubs are just not my kinda clubs (with the odd exception). I have my friends around me, and gigs and bars I I like to go to. Places that are not part of the LGBT scene, but the 'indie' scene (I guess for lack of a better description). And I want to continue to be a part of that scene when I transition. It would be easy to take the safe route, and stick to drinks in the village. But why should I sacrifice my old life. The places and folk I love? I have a new sense of identity, but I am the same person. I get folks living in stealth - I totally understand wanting to just fit in and not be noticed. I hope I manage that, but I do not want to hide who I am. I will not keep it quiet. I have had enough of that down the years so no more lies.

So no, I want to be free to be myself. And when I get back to the UK I really want to get involved in the trans scene. Not the club scene - as I say that is not for me (though, some nights will be enjoyed I am sure). But helping out, volunteering. Helping to spread awareness and understanding. Even fighting for equal rights (not actual fighting you understand - I do not want to risk breaking a nail).

And most important: helping younger folks 'find' themselves - much quicker than I did. I said I knew I was 'different' from a very young age, and this story is often repeated in trans blogs. New reports show that children of five have a total understanding of their sense of self - who they are. As in, trans-kids know they are trans-kids. Even if they do not know the word trans, they know they are born into the wrong gendered body. They are not confused and their sense of identity is exactly the same as cis-gendered kids. So l wanna help these kids and prevent them loosing as many years as I did. This is so important to me now, and as such I plan to re-train in psychology in order to better achieve that. I have a sense of purpose I have not had before, and it feels great.

Ok, so that is who I am right now. I know my identity is female and I want to do all I can to make my body match. I understand myself and feel like I am really getting my identity sorted.

My mind is already on the case, amazing thing it is.

And I really am interested to see what happens as time flies by.