why are labels so important?

So, I am running on little sleep here. I am angry and disappointed with the way I see the recent shootings in the Orlando gay club Pulse. I hear arguments on both sides about how it should be labelled – and I do not really disagree with any. Yet I am seemingly being called ‘reactionary’ for being upset that this incident is not being labelled as a hate crime against the LGBT community.

I hear the LGBT community saying that they feel huge grief and that this should be recognised as a hate crime. 

I hear non-LGBT folk telling me that it does not matter how it is labelled and, therefore, does not matter to us. 

It does matter, it matters to me and my LGBT friends. I am telling you, it does matter to us. Isn’t that enough? 

If it does not matter to you, why are you arguing about it?

Rather than short, ‘instant’ posts, I want to get some thoughts down as to why I feel this way. It is not about who is wrong and right, it is about understanding why the LGBT community feels aggrieved.

I want to look at each reason this happened – because this is far more complex than one issue – and put my thoughts down about them. I am trying to be logical, but I have not spent hours and hours investigating and I am emotional.

The first reason this happened: terrorism. Now, the guy called the police to claim allegiance to ISIS. As such, under the definition of terrorism “the unofficial or unauthorized use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims” this does make this political. There will be some saying that ISIS knew nothing about it – but:

“It is not altogether surprising that Isis appeared not to know much about Mateen; they did not need to. One does not need to officially sign up to the group to carry out acts on its behalf. In his Ramadan message urging jihad, Abu-Mohammed al-Adnani, the group’s chief spokesman, had specifically instructed: “Do not ask for anyone’s permission”. This allows ‘lone wolves’ to plan and carry out missions and avoids the chances of leaks or infiltration by security agencies.” - http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/isis-claims-responsibility-orlando-gay-nightclub-shooting-florida-attack-omar-mateen-gunman-a7079721.html

So yes, if he claimed that this was for ISIS, it is terrorism.

Gun control. I will always say that any chance to improve gun control should be made the most of. If people can get guns, they will use them.

Many stats can be thrown around, but I found the section on Germany in the following article interesting: http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/mar/15/so-america-this-is-how-you-do-gun-control

Trying to make sense of laws and regulations for different countries is not straight forward and I do not want to put in too much time into this. There are shootings in all countries, despite bans. But let’s face it, illegal goods will enter a country – it is not like drugs are legal in the UK or the US, but they get into these countries and are used. But making it harder for folks to buy guns just feels like it makes sense to me. This is an opinion and I have not yet seen a good reason to change it, so I will go with it for now.

But if it is not guns, then it is bombs. London 2005, Madrid 2004, Manchester 1996. Or other things; the killing of soldier Lee Rigby in London in 2013 involved a car, knives and a cleaver. All in the name of terrorism. If people want to kill people, either for a hate crime, terrorist act or any other reason, they can.

That said, bombs need making. Knives are not massively effective (I cringe using that word, but I think it fits) for a mass killing. Guns seem to be able to kill many, quickly. If they are widely and easily available – they will be used. Let’s at least make it hard for murders huh?

So yes, lax gun control did contribute.

Mental health of the murder. Seems that whenever it is a single person, mental health is brought up. In some cases, this is true. It creates a bad stigma: that people who suffer from mental health issues are killers. Yes, some are. But many, if properly helped and looked after would not commit atrocities. We need to make sure we look out for, and after our communities vulnerable. This is a failing of society, though I concede that some folk will always fall through the cracks. But expensive health care, bad treatment, and misunderstanding of ‘responsible’ people – these will make those cracks cavernous. Was the Pulse killer struggling with mental health issues, this I do not know – I am taking reports of this with a pinch of salt.

If so, this is a failing of a health care system – not an individual.

Homophobia. Yes, this word may, in root, be flawed. But the Oxford dictionary defines it as "Dislike of or prejudice against homosexual people.” So let’s use the word as it is defined. This man’s father is said to have quickly dismissed the attack as (paraphrased) “not religiously motivated, but by the rage of seeing two men kiss”. It was committed in a gay club. I’ll be honest, this all looks pretty pointed.

Now, there are reports that the man may or may not have had homosexual tendencies. I treat this cautiously for now. But, that still does not stop this being a hate crime against the LGBT community.

“Internalised homophobia and oppression happens to gay, lesbian and bisexual people, and even heterosexuals, who have learned and been taught that heterosexuality is the norm and “correct way to be”. Hearing and seeing negative depictions of LGB people can lead us to internalise, or take in, these negative messages. Some LGB people suffer from mental distress as a result” http://www.rainbow-project.org/mh/internalised-homophobia

Yes, LGBT folk can be homophobic and lash out. This often results in self harm and suicide. I’ll put a link here to some numbers. Numbers always vary, but the general trends remain the same. 

http://lgbt.foundation/About-us/media/facts-and-figures/

So acting out, as a homophobic act by a gay male brainwashed by a terrorist organisation that routinely kill gay men (I do not want to see another image of a gay male being thrown off a building – I see them far too often) in such a hideous way is not out of the question. Especially given that the individual in question may see an act of ‘martyrdom’ as the only way to their respective Heaven. 

Yes, this was a homophonic act.

Now, why does it matter what we call it? Well, ‘terrorism’ does sell papers. It is used to make people afraid. It is used by both the terrorists and the opposing governments to push agendas. Donald Trump, US presidential prospect, immediately took Twitter to blame Obama and say that this is why he wants to ban Muslims from the US. He is not alone. That particular political message of hate is rampant – if it was not he would not have so many supporters worldwide. It is used to push agendas on both sides. In the UK, things like this are used to push s called ‘snooping laws’ though parliament.

It is terrorism, but labelling it solely as such is a political spin, whether it is true or not.

Note: I see terrorism as distinct from religion. I have not heard religion mentioned really but terrorism isn’t a religious act. In the case of ISIS, religion is used as justification. But not all Muslims (like some Christian groups and Phra Kittiwuttho, the Buddhist monks in Thailand) hold the same views. Many deaths by ISIS are actually against other Muslims. Again, I am not going to go fact checking this source, but it is something to think about.

http://www.globalresearch.ca/muslims-are-the-victims-of-between-82-and-97-of-terrorism-related-fatalities-us-government/5516565

Gun control – yes, as I said above. Lax laws made this act easier, but I suspect it would have happened anyway. Maybe not to the same scale, maybe worse. We will never now. We should fight for better controls, but it is a method, not a cause.

Mental health – It could be a contributing factor, it does seem likely. But I would hate to blame this alone, or even loudly. I believe we should be looking after people who suffer from mental health issues. It attaches far too much stigma to a vulnerable group and really, highlights the failings of our health care systems. I would prefer to stay away from this label, but it may prove to fit.

The big back lash right now is against calling this a hate crime against the LGBT community. I don’t get this. It was clearly an act specifically against the LGBT community. It may have been other things, but it really was this too.

People I know are 100% not homophobic are saying that this should not be called a hate crime. I think that they see this as ‘we are all in this together’. I agree, we are. I look forward to the day when we do not have any homophobia or transphobia. But know, that time is not here yet. For you, as an ally, sure. But unfortunately the world is made up of way more people than my friends.

In the last two weeks:

I had 9 – 10 lads, probably mid 20s with buzz cuts walk past me at a service station in a way that made it hard for me to pass whilst sniggering and saying ‘faggot’ to each other.

I walked with Oxford Pride march, and some folks were heard loudly saying that they thought ‘it was disgusting’ that we were there. 

I had a guys come up to me on the street. I was wearing a summer dress and presenting in a way that can only be described as ‘stereotypically feminine’ (note I say stereotypically and move on), as I choose to do. This man singled me out of a crowd and said “hello young man”. That may not seem like much to you, but it stung me and felt very pointed. It may have been a slip, but I really do not think it was. 

Every day I see people looking at me and have them misgender me. Every day unless I avoid people. And often, I avoid people. I only really hang out with old friends or in LGBT groups. I shouldn’t feel like I have to segregate myself but I do. There are a lot of amazing folk out there that I do not know. I spent the weekend at a pretty massive board game expo recently and no one shied away from talking to me. I met so many great people. But I did have stares too. I did have folk shift a little when talking to me. Not in a mean way, but I could feel that they were uncomfortable.

I would like to reach a point where I do not make other folk uncomfortable just by existing. Where people are unsure how to call me. But we are not there yet. My friends are, the general public is not.

In the US, there are laws made so that I cannot use the bathrooms in some states. Same-sex marriage is being boycotted. In over 70 countries it is illegal to be homosexual, and punishable by death in some.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2016/06/13/here-are-the-10-countries-where-homosexuality-may-be-punished-by-death-2/

In Russia, it is not illegal. But talking about being LGBT is. Just holding a rainbow flag will get you arrested:

http://www.advocate.com/politics/2014/01/22/watch-russian-activist-detained-unfurling-rainbow-flag

and taking part in a pride march will get you arrested also. 

This is sanctioned hate against the LGBT community. If you have rules in place, it shows that being LGBT is not acceptable for one reason or another. It makes the LGBT community less than normal, less than acceptable, justifiable recipients of violence.

I read many articles of atrocities against the LGBT community. Deaths, beatings, suicides, protests, hate, laws. I read it every day. Just recently I said on my Facebook page that it wears me down. Most of this does not make the news, but it does happen. If you look – it is there. I look because I have a vested interest in my community. Just like I know more about board games than most folks I know. It matters to me. I don’t expect you to know all this stuff. It’s bloody depressing. But don’t assume that it is not there just because you do not see it or understand why it would be the case. As I say, you are cool and groovy, but you are not everyone.

So when something major happens, yes. It does hit the LGBT community hard. I am always on edge. And feeling a massive, collective grief from my community amplifies the hurt.

And we do want folk to know that this was a hate crime against the LGBT community. It may not make sense to you, but for a moment it highlights all the struggles we go through, not just this one. Like black people still fight to gain official apologies from countries for slavery.  Like we are the LGBT community is fighting to have people killed in the UK for being homosexual to receive pardons. In 1970, the German government apologised for the holocaust. It is not going to change anything in theory, but to that community it does. It has an impact. It shows that these crimes are recognised as wrong. You may assume that these things are wrong, but official apologies STATE that these things are wrong. They make it official and irrefutable.

So yes, hate crimes do need to be highlighted as such.

And for those that still say, well yes, it was hideous and a hate crime, but let’s move on.

No. we still need to point out that it was a hate crime. But in doing so, we actually stand more unified. There is so much hate coming from this. So many cases of folks saying that ‘this is God’s punishment for being gay’. Jokes about ‘how much HIV+ blood’ was spilt. Internet trolls. Well, let’s take it closer to (my) home.

Yesterday a group of LGBT folks got together to show their compassion for the events at Pulse. To grieve for people who died. The result, a Christian group protested them. Yes.

http://www.oxfordmail.co.uk/news/14554514.Religious_preachers_and_pro_LGBT_demonstrators_clash_in_Bonn_Square/?ref=fbshr

We should treat this atrocity as an atrocity against people. Clearly motivated by homophobia, extreme terrorist ideals and enabled by lax gun laws. People died. Just people. No matter what other labels they had. The Orlando community will no doubt struggle to cope, the families will be devastated. The LGBT community feels this attack personally. Indeed, there is a lot of anger at the way it is being portrait. 

The same day, a man was arrested headed to LA pride with guns and bombs. Again, the LGBT community was being targeted.

things must be called for what they are. this is true in all cases, not just LGBT ones. 

In France a police officer was killed in a terrorist act. He was targeted because he was in the police. It is important that we note that. This man died because of his chosen profession. I have so much respect for the police, who work in often hostile environments. I do not think it to be an easy job and appreciate the work they do. There have been a number of police deaths just because they are police. Again, I think we have to highlight this point.this person died for who he was, not for a cause.

The terrorist attack in Beirut in Nov 2015 killed many people, but press coverage was much less than it was for the Paris bombing around the same time. This was called out over various media. Why are folks more concerned by the deaths in Paris than Beirut was the message I received. I felt closer to the victims in Paris, it felt close to home. A rock club, a band I had seen in a city I have visited and where I have friends. But I do not see either attack as worse, or more. In both cases, people died, but I cannot help but empathise more with the Paris attack. Still, I felt bad for feeling that way. My own hypocrisy shown to me no mater how I justify it. 

No one complained about this being called out. Messages of support and solidarity flooded in. A group of people had been targeted by a terrorist atrocity for being who they were. That they are not western does not matter. They were killed for where they live. People realised they had neglected it, and tried to correct this. There was no outrage at being shown the hypocrisy compared to Paris. 

Pulse was a terrorist attack specifically against the LGBT community. And it is important to members of the community – even if it seems trivial to you - that this is made clear.

It is important to me. 

So don’t dare tell me it isn’t. 

Where are all the trans* role models in STEM?

Earlier this week I was part of a series of short talks based around the theme of LGBT heroes. The talk went well, but as can be expected I skipped a few salient lines of information. Further, I had some questions on my talk which at the time I did not answer as well as I could have done.

I thought a few folks may enjoy reading my talk, but for those that already heard it, I have also added a little to hopefully make my points a little clearer! (Clearly, I somewhat paraphrased when talking out loud!)

So let me start by saying that there are very few trans* role models out there in STEM subjects and, in my opinion, that will remain the case.

Why STEM? Well, I am a scientist and an engineer, with degrees in both subjects - so the topic has some importance for me. STEM itself, standing for science, technology, engineering and mathematics, is a term that has been coined when trying to promote diversity in STEM subjects - so in itself that is a good thing. However, the truth remains that whilst the acronym has a very positive message, the subjects it describes need for the push.

But, I should back up. What are heroes? Well, for me a hero is someone I can aspire to, emulate. Someone who makes me want to be something more - something like them. Sure, I am a huge fan of various singers, bands and climbers. But do I want to be them? No. I just admire them. And those super brave folks who run into burning building to save children, that stand in front of Nazi marches and calling out their evil - they are heroic - but not my heroes. I do not want aspire to do such actions, although I hope that when the time came I would. No, heroes to me are something else.

When asked who my heroes are in the past, I have never been able to answer this - with one exception. As I grow older, I remember seeing a play when I was ten with my mother where a guy portrayed Ziggy Stardust. 

I remember asking my mother

'Who is that?'

' David Bowie, he's a singer.'

 'So... that is a boy?'

'Yep.'

'And he wears makeup and a skirt?'

'Yes - he wears what he wants.'

'Is that allowed?'(I was 10!)

'You can do whatever you want'. 

At that time I gained two heroes. David Bowie gave me someone I could relate to and, in hindsight, my mother for being so damn awesome about the whole thing and totally accepting.

In recent years, when I realised that transition was inevitable, I started to gain heroes - the YouTube stars who shared their stories on-line and showed me what I could have, how my life could be - that transition is possible. These were people I related to. Folks who were getting on with their lives, but sharing that they were also trans*. Showing that both a life and being myself was possible. People who I was jealous of, and who gave me the strength to get over that and get on with my transition. Without their strength, I would be nowhere. I say this with conviction, because had I had these heroes as a teen I know I would have taken steps much earlier. 

A quick shout out to some of these YouTube folks:"Kristins Trans Life" and "Minorqback" - I shared their videos with my mother as they explained what I was going through far better than I could at the time. "Isley Reust" whose maturity on the topic of living and also happening to be trans* put me to shame when I realised she turned 21 last year! And the fierce "Grishno" - who makes me feel I can and should argue for LGBT rights - who is able to reassure me that we should be able to have rights. An amazing role model. Since coming out I also found great support from "Claire Michelle", knowing that we were going through similar things at the same time.

Notably, I saw Laura Jane Grace, the singer of the punk band Against Me! come out very publicly as trans*. This was someone who I would go watch when they play a show, someone I could imagine dancing next to in a rock club, and someone I feel I would go to the pub with. Not only was she a punk trans* girl like me, but she handled questions with an air of 'I happen to be trans*'. I found someone I could relate to, aspire to, and it is no surprise I was listening to her album 'transgender dysphoria blues' the day I visited the endocrinologist for the first time; which also happens to be the first day I was given hormones.

So a hero is someone I can aspire to - someone I feel I relate to. I'm a scientist and engineer, but I never had heroes in those roles because it is what I do - not what I aspire to. But surely there are some role models, right? Sure, STEM folks get little publicity and press so you have to look them up, but there must be some.Right?

Do you know that Wikipedia has 'List of transgender people' which it states "This list consists of well-known people who are transgender in identity." There are so many notable transgender folk around, we can compress them into a list of around 100. And it has been updated recently (both Lana and Lily Wachowski are on there). And it contains a lot of celebrities. There are some politicians and lawyers - like 2 or 3. And from all of STEM, maybe 3 names. Huh. Is this a surprise though? Well, not really. I look at myself and I get it. 

Like I say, I do not think that STEM subjects are particularly hostile to diversity, I think it just diversity is rare in this range of subjects. I could theorise on this; I certainly have thoughts to do with a stifling of creativity in science - the antithesis of what science should be to my mind. But that would be a topic for another time. However, whilst the acronym STEM itself shows we are trying to reach out in science, the truth is that it is still a hostile environment. I have heard of homophobia within some of the departments at my University, disguised as other things. I have felt hostility for a senior department member, but whether that was transphobia or internal politics I cannot decide. And I would say that things are better within the academic field, I have read too many stories of folks losing jobs in STEM subjects after coming out as trans*, and then failing to get reasonable positions for their experience and knowledge.

It happened to me.

I do not think that STEM is so alone with this. It is universal and improving. However, my real thoughts behind the lack of trans* folks in positions of authority or academic achievement in STEM relate to do with being trans* itself.

To achieve and do well in STEM subjects requires hard work and dedication. A constant push to be know, improve, publish papers. Trans-folk wreck our careers struggling with our gender. I use myself as an example.

I know I could have done more. I was part of many collaborations, and my ideas were always listened to. At conferences, folk attended my talks and I was generally well know and, I would like to think, well regarded. So I should have a whole heap of papers and further things in the works. I don't, and I ended up taking a step back from my career - stepping to the side of research.

Why?

How can you concentrate on looking at data when you're struggling to look at yourself in the mirror? 

How do you have new thoughts, when all you can think about is transition?

How can you feel happy going to the lab, attending conferences, etc when  your body feels unnaturally and you know that the person you present is a fraud; so much easier to hide away and retreat from the world. 

How can you really make good career choices, push yourself to the limit when you, achieve anything when your whole life sucks. In science you cannot have anything but focus to be successful - and I had no ability to focus on anything but my gender. 

Plus I expected to be an outcast when I came out, so why would I push myself to do well anyway? And just so you know, when I did come out as trans*, the industrial engineering companies that said 'you have a job with us any time', well, the offers dried up pretty sharpish. Sure, for legit sounding reasons - but really? I'm lucky, I landed on my feet and I have the chance to build myself up with amazing support from an amazing group and department. Many are not so lucky. 

And finally, how can you push and look to the future, when you really have no guarantee that you have one? The stats for trans* murders are shocking, the suicide stats and just horrifying. Take it from me, in that mind set, achieving all you can from your career is nothing but a passing thought.

So, that is why there are so few role models in science. Not because of STEM itself, but the struggle we trans-folk face with our lives. I think some will come through. Will I call any heros? I doubt it - not surprising given that my personal hero trans* person is a punk singer! But some role models will emerge. 

Thing is, times are a changing and many folk are transitioning earlier and earlier. My gender doctor yesterday told me that he wishes more folk could get access to transition earlier so they can get on with their lives, and I agree. Sure, they will have their problems. I would not want to slight that. Being trans* will still have stigma and 'associated issues' for quite a while.  But I honestly think that they will be able to get on with their lives earlier - thus the entire career screwing-up rubbish will go away. I think today's youth have the chance to be as successful as they can be. 

Yet, I said that there will not be any trans* role models - why is this. Well, to be honest, because I'm hopeful and have faith in humanity. Cheesy.

Thing is, there will come I time, and I hope I will see it, where there are not trans* role models in STEM. There will not even be male and female role models. Even better, there will just be role models- scientists and mathematicians and engineers. There will be no reason to label people as trans* role models, just some who happen to be trans*.

Male privilege and mansplaining for trans-women?

There are a few things on my mind. One of them is the idea of how women are perceived and how women perceive themselves. Pretty important to me, all in all.

And note: there is no complaint here, just observations and comments. I'd not swap my life for owt.

There are a whole bunch of studies that show that women who speak up, speak out, etc are considered bossy whilst similar action from a male is seen as ‘manly’ or at least acceptable. Women should be quiet. Women should not offer up ideas. Women should defer to men when it comes to explanations and decisions.  I’m pretty sure no one reading this blog shares such antiquated views – but it is out there. It has permeated society – even subconsciously. 

I have read statistics that show that whilst females achieve the same grades as males up to and including year one of an undergrad course, by year 3 they fall behind. It is a big discussion in STEM, why is this the case? The numbers don’t lie so something is going on. One discussion I was in circled to a paper suggesting that the issue is, primarily, communication. Not understanding by the female students, not in the writing of exam papers, but in the fear of asking questions during classes when something is not understood by that student. 

As undergrad courses progress, the ability to pass exams by simply repeating previous work and answers, i.e. studying past-papers, becomes a poor learning method and doomed to failure. For later stages of a degree, the student must understand the work. The way to do that, is to ask and question what it is you are taught. At this stage you must stand up and make your voice heard. And therein lies the problem. 

As discussed above, women are conditioned by society to think about what they say out loud. If you question something you are seen as bossy. And if you actually ask a question, you can be seen as less smart – even though a male doing the same thing is not considered a reflection of intellect. 

I chatted about this with a smart, very capable professor who happens to be female and she told me that whilst normally she will speak up, in some crowds she does double think and maybe keep quiet. When she does speak, she makes sure she knows what she is saying and can back it up. I was surprised by her, but she told me that whilst rare, she really notices when she does it. 

So is this why female students struggle to equal males as they progress through a degree? There does seem to be a solid case.

I have particular interest in this. I want to ‘pass’ as well as I can as a female. I want to be taken and accepted as a woman. So, does that mean I have to keep my mouth shut? Am I betraying myself when I voice an opinion? Even worse, when I do express an opinion over that of another female, and I thought to be mansplaining? Damn it, like I haven’t got enough to worry about without having to check what I say. And yet, the thought crosses my mind… a lot. And in some cases, I have kept quiet. At the very least, I always analyse what I said, how I said it and how it makes appear. It bothers me to think that I may be seen to be ‘speaking as a male’. How stupid is that? 

The thing is, I spout a lot of words. They spring forth from my mouth with very little control.

I have no intention of speaking over others – and I often find my mouth opening and then having to close it to wait for someone else to finish. Not because my views are more important than theirs. The reasons: I have a lot of ideas; I get over excited by those ideas; I know I will forget them if I do not share them often within 5 seconds. 

I do listen, I do give people their time to talk. I often find myself locked out of conversations because I fear talking over someone else – especially in big groups or those where I am less comfortable with the crowd. But I also have a habit of filling gaps with flippant comments or jokes – no matter how poor they are. So it does sound like I talk a lot I think, and I defiantly start to say something a lot. I know this gets noticed. 

But on the flip side, I am confident and happy for the first time in my life, so I feel I have something to add. 

So the question is, is it because of my own little mental ticks that I talk a lot or because of male conditioning? 

Worse, do I really have to monitor everything I say for fear of being accused of taking over the conversation? When you want to be accepted as your true gender, do you have to start fitting into female stereotypes? Because surely this is a kick to the balls of feminism? Ironically, if I do keep speaking up – will other women then accuse me of, ugh term, mansplaining? Do women judge what other women say just as much as men? Damnit, I want to fit in. I want to be accepted. But should I compromise in order to do so? If I don’t compromise, will I end up upsetting the same folks that would judge me for compromising? 

I read about male privilege and I know it to be true. I worked in engineering and I was privy to very sexist discussions. I had a hard enough time because I died my hair and was therefore ‘gay’. I never joined in with the spirit of these conversations, but I could not go against that either. In my private life, yes. I’ll speak up. But at work, where you are already on the back-foot (there were vicious rumours circulating that I liked to dress as a woman back then hahahaha!), then you need to keep your head down. 

Weak, no. Preservation. You cannot win every fight, and a smart person knows which ones to pick.

So yes, I heard these discussions. Does this mean I had male privilege? First up, as I say I was on the receiving end a lot so I’m not sure I ever really had male privilege. I had some – but what does that mean. Everyone I knew had no idea who I was. My entire life was a lie. Whenever I heard dumb sexist things, I felt my stomach clench but was powerless. Now, on the flip side I generally felt safe walking around town late at night. I never had guys grab my ass and assume that that was ok. 

Well, unless you count the times when I was in ‘drag’ (for lack of a much better word), in which case I felt very unsafe and men really did think groping was ok as I was not female, I was a ‘tranny’ – a disposable human. But let’s put that to one side. Over all, maybe I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have done. But, I did have some male privilege and there is no denying that. 

Would I swap that for a life where I was not miserable every day and felt suicidal? In a heartbeat. I don’t want to feel scared, or squashed. But don’t think male privilege made my life easy. It was one issue swapped for another. And no one should be saying that ‘my pain is bigger than your pain’. That is ridiculous. But know that just because someone had one thing easier, does not mean they don’t have other things harder. This really isn’t a contest.

So how do I proceed? Do I use the lessons I learnt as a male. Damn, I walk alone at night quite comfortably – but then I remember that I no longer have the same strength I had. And more, I am trans*. So male privilege has given me a false sense of security. 

Should I shut up instead of talking? Should I have no opinions? Well, no. Everyone’s views should be judged on merit, not on gender. Of course, I should be respectful of others, and I hope I am. But I really think fitting into a quiet, feminine role is just disrespectful of the great things feminism has achieved.

Too long have I hidden in shadows. And I didn’t just hide, I retreated and pulled those shadows around me. Shrouded myself within them. Now I walk a tight line. But I do so loudly and proudly. But I've never been good on slack-lines...