An update on transition - My life ROCKS

So it has been a while since I did an update - added to the story of my journey to transition. I just watched a video by Claire Michelle in conversation with someone who transitioned like 50 years ago and it made me think it was time to get my ass in gear and update ya'll.

Life is worth living now. Ha, straight into it, but that is pretty amazing. It took me a long time to get to this stage but nowadays I actually feel alive. I have my moments, have my wobbles. There are little things that trigger me, as I have discussed in older blogs. But in general I would not change a thing with where I am. I am happy with my place in society, the things I do, the way my body is, the pace of my transition. Sure, I would love the odd thing to be different but there is nothing that makes me trip out.

Well, apart from the way trans people are dealt with by the courts, media and schools. We still have progress to make in these areas but I think progress is happening. Change is happening and eyes are being opened. Hopefully I am playing my bit part.

I could not do so if my life was not in a great place, if my mental health was not good and if I didn't have the amazing support of friends, family and colleagues. I have never shied away from the mess that I was. If I had not transitioned when I did my life was done. I think that this is the crux of whether or not you need to transition, as a friend pointed out the other night. I knew I had to transition. Others I have talked to say the same thing - they just could not go on 'getting by as the wrong gender'.

I hate that the press think that it is such a trivial thing, to transition. No one takes it lightly and we open ourselves up to all sorts of abuse. The stats for suicide amongst the trans community are crazy high and I expect that they are so much lower than the reality. Had I ended my life three years ago that would not have been registered as due to gender dysphoria - I would not have registered on the trans suicide stats. There is zero chance that this is uncommon. Right now we claim a figure of 35 - 45% risk of suicide for trans folks compared to 5% for the non-trans community, I say that the true figures could easily be more like 80%. But we can never question the dead.

Sorry, I need to vent a little here. The more visible trans issues are, the more we acknowledge that gender dysphoria is a real issue, the earlier we recognise it the better. The BBC have just commissioned a show aimed at 6 - 12 year olds talking about transition and this is amazing. On the other hand the Daily Mail is leading a campaign against this, against the trans charity Mermaids, against the trans and trans-supportive community at large. This kind of speech is dangerous. This kind of thinking will lead to the loss of lives. We cannot get away from that. It cannot go on.

Is gender dysphoria a mental health issue? Well, as I have discussed before - no, it just leads to issues with mental health. Before I transitioned I spent most of my life in a deep, dark depression. That lifted when I transitioned. Cause = effect. I love life. I have bad days, but I know that they are bad days. I can accept them as such. They don't lead to my mind spiralling into the depths. Transitioning is the best thing that I could have ever done and I will never, ever regret it.

Turns out that life is actually pretty fantastic when you do it right.

In my case, that means in a dress with a TARDIS tattoo on my back and a blood stream full of oestrogen. Bigger on the inside - damn right I am.

Now that I am in the place I am I fully intend to do what I can to use that and help others get to the same place. Social change will take time. It will take effort. It will not be overnight. The signs however are good in this country.

I cannot change the world but if I make one person's life better then that is what I am here for - what my life is all about. There have lucky that there have been a bunch of these moments in my life and of late I have had a bunch more. the other week I had a kid from a trans LGBT group call me cool. Cool - me! I'm a nerd. But I am living an authentic, and very non-incognito, life - the kind of person 'the youth' need to see (that makes me sound old doesn't it...); the kind of person that allows them to see that they are not alone. In the same way that old Baby Chaos albums used to make me see that I was not the only person who got depressed.

I am in a position where folks listen to me and there is a chance I can make little differences here and there. I am getting involved at the uni with loads of events, I have started helping with a local youth LGBT group, I am engaged with Stonewall, doing training to go into local schools. I am involved with the city and county councils in minor but still real way. I was able to bring up a horrible case of repression of a trans schoolie to a member of the county council and fingers crossed it will be followed up. I hope so. The meeting was totally accidental but now I have it I will be keeping my eye on it.

I can use my position as a happy, pretty successful, trans woman to fight for those who are not in a good place. When we have the strength we have to help each other.

I am doing what I can to bring things together, to make sure that efforts are not wasted or work is redone. I am seeing so much engagement from outside the LGBT community which is amazing - and this is where strength comes: from all sectors working together for common causes.

My life experience is LGBT but that does not stop me supporting disability or BME issues. This was echoed at a panel I watched yesterday discussing youth disability and the arts - it was amazing how welcomed I felt at the event. People almost seemed grateful that I was at the event as a member of the LGBT community which was, honestly, quite embarrassing. Just because I am fighting for LGBT rights does not mean I stop caring for other vulnerable groups. Those youths were bloody inspiring.

So yes - I am much happier in life and with that I can go about business like a real person rather than the shadow I used to be. I am comfortable in my skin and I am making the most of it.

I get looked at every so often, but I don't really care. Helps that I have the attitude that if folk give me a dirty look I throw them a grin back. I have learnt to accept myself so other people's opinions really don't matter to me as long as they don't have an impact on my life.

Talking of my own skin - that is certainly softer than it was. I am constantly amazed at what hormones can do. My breasts are not huge but are still on their way. My hips and ass are reaching proportions where I am happy in a skinny dress or jeans. Body hair has gotten significantly less and very light where it does grow. I actually think I am starting to have a reasonable body. Really gotta shake my belly off though - not climbing for so long has had its toll in my middle.

My face keeps changing. I am shocked but I really think it is still changing. I cannot explain what but when I look in the mirror, every so often I notice changes. The standard thought is that most physical changes happen within your first two years, but there are still ongoing changes for 5 years of hormones or so. At the 2.5 year mark, I am still finding surprises here and there.

This brings up an interesting point. The truth is that the younger you start hormone replacement therapy, the better the effect you get. However, you can still have kick ass results later on. I was mid thirties when I started and honestly I am so happy with what the hormones have done for me. I tend to pass by in the street without a second glance. It is only when people actually look at me that they realise I am trans. I am in no way 100% passable under any prolonged glance but I don't get clocked from the corner of eyes which I used to. Sure, I would love to pass 100% but I am comfortable with where I am. And let's be honest, if I was not comfortable being looked at I wouldn't die my hair turquoise. I am hiding nothing of who I am.

I guess this is why I am so lazy with practicing my voice. I have done a course of speech therapy, I can achieve a great pitch and can module my voice to a tone that would stand out less as masculine. Yet, I don't. Yes, I (still) hate my voice but at the same time I am comfortable with it. Partially it adds to the visibility and partially I am really, really lazy when it comes to practicing. Odd, but there ya go. Slowly slowly it'll change I think. I'm down with that.

So between features and voice, I am visible in public. That means folk know 'trans people walk amongst them' and this is actually pretty important. Especially as, every so often, someone will come up and ask you about it.

Yesterday I had a lady constantly casting me glances. After a while she came over and said that her child has recently come out as transgender. I was able to talk to her about it - assure her that getting things wrong at first is totally normal, remind her that her lack of knowledge on the subject is actually the norm but that resources are available. That support is available. I dunno, I hope something I said was useful. At the very least she was able to see that a trans person can exist in the community and be happy. Have a laugh. Just do normal things. I could see how many questions she had and if I were not visible, those questions would remain.

Sometimes just 'being' is important.

Whilst I am comfortable with myself, I still want surgeries. I am getting closer to my referral for bottom surgery, closer to the long waiting list for this. I am not happy with my body in this regard and the sooner I sort it out the sooner I can just get on with it. I just want it out of the way really. Being able to wear leggings without worrying about a bump would be ace. And in the same vein, not having to wear knickers that are so tight they are uncomfortable would be awesome too.

I also want some facial feminisation surgery, FFS. Sure, my face has changed and I like it way more than I ever used to but I would still like to alter a few of my more masculine features. Just get them a little in line with what I imagine in dreams. A few minor alterations.

I also realised recently that if I was offered a free boob job I may actually take it. I have never been of the thought that boobs make the woman. But for free… maybe. Not huge, just a little extra. I hadn't really thought about it to be honest but my gender clinic mentioned it on my last visit. Sure I'll take it if offered but I would rather have the two surgeries above first. Unfortunately FFS is not often available in England (yes in Scotland sometimes, I think) on our NHS. That is something I would like to see change - but I also would like to see the NHS actually be funded better all round.

Well, I guess I have made follow-up updates to previous blogs on mental health and physical changes, as well as going all social change warrior.

I guess that leaves the 'romance' side of things…

I watched a retired woman talk about how she has not made romance work for her despite having a long, successful life. Yet at weekend I hung with a married couple, one of whom has recently started to transition. Truth is, whether you are straight, gay, cis or trans you may or may not find love. Simple as that. It would be interesting to compare stats of straight and gay populations who are happily married but I don't have them and at this stage and I feel too lazy to research it.

From a trans take, I guess some of it is confidence and comfortability in our own skin. I am finally starting to feel normal in my own skin and my confidence is growing. Not that I think I am a sexy lady or owt like that but I feel happy with myself. I am still waiting for surgery, like I say. I think I would be much happier once I have the right bits. Hormones do 'effect' how things work and I also worry that were I lucky enough to be in a relationship it would get complicated changing so drastically.

So for now, when it comes to relationships, I am patient.

That does not mean that I don't look around. Well, I am not actively looking around but I am starting to notice people again. For a while it was like I had my eyes closed to others - which for anyone that used to know me probably sounds crazy. But yer, I was just happy getting on with my own little self and making loads of great friends instead.

Since changing my hormones a few month back I have started to develop mini crushes on people. Weirdly for me these are both male and female crushes. I have always had an open mind but I just never found guys attractive. But of late I find myself thinking "hmm, cute". This took me by surprise. It is only minor for guys - my big crush right now is femme, but it is an interesting change of perspective. Course, most of the guys are gay, damn, but there ya go.

And that raises an odd one in itself. I don't know what sort of sexuality I actually appeal to. If I appealed to a gay man then does that mean I am failing as a woman? Can a lesbian really fall for a trans woman? Can a straight woman? Hmm. It proper mashes my swede.

The idea of actually approaching someone and asking whether they like me or not is insane. I guess this stems from knowing that I am not fully accepted as a woman. Sure, folk will accept my gender identity and support me but on some level, some level there is that 'something'. That same thing that makes people call me 'sir' in shops when I am looking half decent. The subliminal level of acceptance, no matter how much I am accepted on a rational level. I'm not moaning about this, it is how it is. Heck, I have moments where I wonder how I see myself. In my dreams I have a very clear trans-female identity rather than just female.

Makes the idea of dating a 'mare! - Like it wasn't confusing enough as a straight teen boy.

I think we need little badges that say 'open to dating a trans woman'.

My Trans-Agenda: what is MY message?

Yes. It is true. There is a transgender agenda. It is pretty darn devious and malevolent. Here it is in a nut shell…

"We want to be left alone and have the same rights as everyone else."

 

I know, what arsehole we are right? 

What do I mean "the same rights as everyone else"? Well, here it is: the evil manifesto:

·       We want to walk down the street without being harassed

·       We want to try on clothes and accessories for the gender we identify with without giggles, without judgment, without a second damn though

·       We would like to just be left alone to express ourselves how we want

·       If we need it, yes, we may need medical help and we would like to have that without fighting for it as it is not our fault we are trans

·       Also, if possible, we would like to not be killed on a regular basis just for being trans

·       Oh, and can we pee in peace please? In the bathroom we identify belonging in and where we are less likely to have the living heck beaten out of us

So yes. What a list outrageous demands. But guess what, we are not hiding any more…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU3wMGPY_gI 

See, we do want to just get on with our lives. True, many folk may not understand what it means to be trans but does that really matter? I say I am a woman - does that actually impact you? If a gender fluid assigned male wants to wear a dress is that really an issue? If someone wants to be referred to as ze, zem, zir and have the title Mx, does it need to be a major problem? 

That said, sometimes we just want to be understood.  This can be super hard because the message that is put out there can be super mixed and it is no wonder folks find it hard to understand who we are and what we want. Language is changing - our labels are changing. Changing fast. Right now there are so many pride flags and we have to remember that folk still don't know what the rainbow flag means, what LGBT refers to. We cannot make an assumption that what and who we are is pretty obvious. There needs to be some give and take on both sides. 

For this reason, I think it is important that we have role models out there being visible and sharing information. See, not every trans person wants to be noticed. So many want to slink away, be accepted for their gender and have that as end of story. For some there is a belief that people can get things right straight away but that is not always so. You may just not want to talk about it. Fair enough. I get that and I understand wanting to quietly get on with it. 

The problem is that there is a lack of understanding out there, so we do need some role models shouting out and explaining things:  being highly visible. This is not an easy thing and it can be dangerous. 

Also it is very easy to get wrong. Caitlyn Jenner does not seem to live on this planet. Douche as a male, douche as a female. Gigi Gorgeous is possibly just an idiot. There was the big scandal about her heading to Dubai and not getting let in because she is transgender. No shit Sherlock. 'Gender Deviance' is illegal out there. That is how that country operates and you should check things like this before you go. I don't agree that it is right but this is the real world and trans rights have a long way to go. When you go making a fuss about these things you just make us look stupid as a community. I wouldn't go flying to many, many countries. Just cause you are a c-list celebrity, doesn't mean that the real world doesn't apply. 

Luckily, there are folks out that that do spread the message and do so well. Here are a few of my current favs, who make use of different media. I write as that is my method for spreading the word. And talking. I talk a lot. Sometimes a have an audience and they cannot move from their seat cause it is rude. I like that J but others have different methods of communication. 

A month or so from the time of writing I will be attending a talk by Sophie Labelle.  Sophie is an artist using her talents to explain the issues facing the trans community. Her cartoons are sharp and to the point. Best of all, they are succinct and explain what I ramble on about in a thousand words in three short images. Want to understand pronouns, check this one out! 

http://www.assignedmale.com/comic/2016/9/28/9hh51hxb0bxzjvvsb7qy4ma2yvh3nd

want to know the wrong way to deal with accidentally misgendering someone, here ya go:

http://www.assignedmale.com/comic/2016/9/30/jgz1lav8ataaeoefcj1dupu08id6tf

I wrote a massive blog on that - this explains it much better and way quicker. 

That said, she has come under fire for being visible, for being trans. If you stand up you will get pushed around. No wonder so many folk are so scared to come out as trans. Thank goodness for folk like Sophie. She maintains a good, strong and clear message without getting bitter. Exactly the sort of role model we need. 

So I was bloody horrified to hear that she was getting grief from the trans community too. The claim is that she is making money off 'the pain of others' who are transitioning. Shut up. Sit down. You stupid peoples. Sophie gets points across clearly and quickly, as I state above. Way better than I do. We are lucky to have her speaking up. I really look forward to meeting her next month. 

http://www.assignedmale.com/comic/2016/10/3/y95xqxg5q2dnplp59cbja346pponko

Another current favourite trans advocate is the YouTuber Claire Michelle https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtCSrYbGbzmeLPNJYFuD50A .  

 I have been following Claire since she first appeared on YouTube and I have always enjoyed her videos. Of late though she has been doing a more informative type of video pretty much sharing ideas that share 'how to be a good trans person'. Explaining that we need to be patient with folk and we need to educate. That we need to be clearer and not mix our message. All with a massive grin on her face whilst she talks. I think that if I smiled that much my face may crack - but then I'm a grumpy punk. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGgNX0CUaJc 

I really like her message and I think she is a fantastic role model for our trans community. Plus, she is a kick ass musician. I may have accidentally been a bit rude about folk music over at the music magazine I write for. I was actually trying to be complimentary. And then over compensated with a ramble apology. And there we go - I sometime miss the point I want to make. I think her message is clear and that is the trick to a good trans role model. Her music is also darn ace - I won't go on here, especially as I am saving it for a review. But check out her album here and give her some deserved love:

https://clairemichellemusic.bandcamp.com/album/out-of-the-shadows

Fox Fisher has been putting out quality educational videos for ages. Fox is non binary and I have learnt a lot about what that means watching their videos, whether on their personal YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/tigersnack or through the My Genderation channel https://www.youtube.com/user/MyGenderation that had a whole bunch of different trans folks sharing their views and opinions on life. Indeed, the greatness of My Genderation is that there are trans-men, trans-women, gender fluid, non-binary etc folk featured. So important.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYNlP_HZ_4c

As trans evangelicals it is important that we explain more than just our own personal state of transiness, but all others too when we can. I can only really talk about being a trans-female as that is my experience. Fox gathered a range of folks so that the channels can be as informative as possible.

That said, when you talk about things that folk don't understand, such as being non-binary in a non-binary relationship  you are gonna attract hate.  And wow, what a lot of hate. Sod it - keep going Fox. You are star for trans rights. This was a fantastic way to hit back!

"They live amongst us."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHECMit1Obo

I'm not going to go on too much, but I will leave you with one more person to think about and that is the singer Fat Mike from the punk band NOFX. I have just listened and written a review of the new album First Ditch Effort. it will be out shortly on the (self-promo) AWESOME http://apathyandexhaustion.com/ website. NOFX have always pushed the boundaries and I think it is fair to say that many things they say are pretty crass. 

Unhelpful? Maybe. But I have always been able to take it all with a pinch of salt. See, there is the song My Vagina, all about sex change. Crass as all hell and somewhat of a joke. Yet, there was always something about it that made me think that it was not meant in a nasty way. Plus, it actually had some informative lyrics in there. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FEOeQZmnAo 

Don't ask me why - just a gut feeling. Sure, it would be easy to hate on it and be offended but I just wasn't. So many time NOFX go on about equality etc and it never sat right that they were such hypocrites. Many times they actually advocate, in their way, for equal LGBTI rights in their songs. When Against Me! needed a musician to stand in on the album for recording after Laura Jane Grace came out as trans, there was Fat Mike stepping in. Also notice the videos where he is in drag - he walks easily in heels. 

In the new album, Fat Mike comes out as a cross dresser on the song I'm a Transvest-lite. Again, in his way. In an interview with AltPress he says: 

“I used to live so much of my life in private but I’ve slowly started going to parties and out in public without being embarrassed of my true identity and that confidence just transferred over to my entire life,” he continues. “When you’re dressed in rubber and heels and corset and you’re waiting in line for an Omelette in Jamaica, well, after that there’s nowhere else to go.”

http://www.altpress.com/news/entry/nofx_announce_new_album_premiere_first_singlelisten

I actually think that this is a very important song. From a well know, famous punk rocker, coming out as a cross dresser is a pretty big thing. It just isn't done and is pretty groundbreaking. Binary transitioned figures are more and more visible. Non-binary figures are becoming visible. Having someone stand up for cross dressers is pretty cool. The lyrics are fantastic and the song is pretty good too. Check it out - track 7 on this playlist. (Sorry - I cannot skip to it here - it is playlist only. I will ask them to release it as a single!) 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PL_uD5vh8_aM6B0rhgkpNK3WcepqbY5vtv&v=lPXc2gmNg0s

So yes. We need good role models and these are some of the ones I think are good for the trans community.  Personally I am doing my best to become one myself. I am putting myself out there. I am opening up. I am expecting hate but I can't say I am too bothered about that. I am happy and I hope I am helping. 

Of course, there is a bunch more folks I could talk about. 

Another time!

Where are all the trans* role models in STEM?

Earlier this week I was part of a series of short talks based around the theme of LGBT heroes. The talk went well, but as can be expected I skipped a few salient lines of information. Further, I had some questions on my talk which at the time I did not answer as well as I could have done.

I thought a few folks may enjoy reading my talk, but for those that already heard it, I have also added a little to hopefully make my points a little clearer! (Clearly, I somewhat paraphrased when talking out loud!)

So let me start by saying that there are very few trans* role models out there in STEM subjects and, in my opinion, that will remain the case.

Why STEM? Well, I am a scientist and an engineer, with degrees in both subjects - so the topic has some importance for me. STEM itself, standing for science, technology, engineering and mathematics, is a term that has been coined when trying to promote diversity in STEM subjects - so in itself that is a good thing. However, the truth remains that whilst the acronym has a very positive message, the subjects it describes need for the push.

But, I should back up. What are heroes? Well, for me a hero is someone I can aspire to, emulate. Someone who makes me want to be something more - something like them. Sure, I am a huge fan of various singers, bands and climbers. But do I want to be them? No. I just admire them. And those super brave folks who run into burning building to save children, that stand in front of Nazi marches and calling out their evil - they are heroic - but not my heroes. I do not want aspire to do such actions, although I hope that when the time came I would. No, heroes to me are something else.

When asked who my heroes are in the past, I have never been able to answer this - with one exception. As I grow older, I remember seeing a play when I was ten with my mother where a guy portrayed Ziggy Stardust. 

I remember asking my mother

'Who is that?'

' David Bowie, he's a singer.'

 'So... that is a boy?'

'Yep.'

'And he wears makeup and a skirt?'

'Yes - he wears what he wants.'

'Is that allowed?'(I was 10!)

'You can do whatever you want'. 

At that time I gained two heroes. David Bowie gave me someone I could relate to and, in hindsight, my mother for being so damn awesome about the whole thing and totally accepting.

In recent years, when I realised that transition was inevitable, I started to gain heroes - the YouTube stars who shared their stories on-line and showed me what I could have, how my life could be - that transition is possible. These were people I related to. Folks who were getting on with their lives, but sharing that they were also trans*. Showing that both a life and being myself was possible. People who I was jealous of, and who gave me the strength to get over that and get on with my transition. Without their strength, I would be nowhere. I say this with conviction, because had I had these heroes as a teen I know I would have taken steps much earlier. 

A quick shout out to some of these YouTube folks:"Kristins Trans Life" and "Minorqback" - I shared their videos with my mother as they explained what I was going through far better than I could at the time. "Isley Reust" whose maturity on the topic of living and also happening to be trans* put me to shame when I realised she turned 21 last year! And the fierce "Grishno" - who makes me feel I can and should argue for LGBT rights - who is able to reassure me that we should be able to have rights. An amazing role model. Since coming out I also found great support from "Claire Michelle", knowing that we were going through similar things at the same time.

Notably, I saw Laura Jane Grace, the singer of the punk band Against Me! come out very publicly as trans*. This was someone who I would go watch when they play a show, someone I could imagine dancing next to in a rock club, and someone I feel I would go to the pub with. Not only was she a punk trans* girl like me, but she handled questions with an air of 'I happen to be trans*'. I found someone I could relate to, aspire to, and it is no surprise I was listening to her album 'transgender dysphoria blues' the day I visited the endocrinologist for the first time; which also happens to be the first day I was given hormones.

So a hero is someone I can aspire to - someone I feel I relate to. I'm a scientist and engineer, but I never had heroes in those roles because it is what I do - not what I aspire to. But surely there are some role models, right? Sure, STEM folks get little publicity and press so you have to look them up, but there must be some.Right?

Do you know that Wikipedia has 'List of transgender people' which it states "This list consists of well-known people who are transgender in identity." There are so many notable transgender folk around, we can compress them into a list of around 100. And it has been updated recently (both Lana and Lily Wachowski are on there). And it contains a lot of celebrities. There are some politicians and lawyers - like 2 or 3. And from all of STEM, maybe 3 names. Huh. Is this a surprise though? Well, not really. I look at myself and I get it. 

Like I say, I do not think that STEM subjects are particularly hostile to diversity, I think it just diversity is rare in this range of subjects. I could theorise on this; I certainly have thoughts to do with a stifling of creativity in science - the antithesis of what science should be to my mind. But that would be a topic for another time. However, whilst the acronym STEM itself shows we are trying to reach out in science, the truth is that it is still a hostile environment. I have heard of homophobia within some of the departments at my University, disguised as other things. I have felt hostility for a senior department member, but whether that was transphobia or internal politics I cannot decide. And I would say that things are better within the academic field, I have read too many stories of folks losing jobs in STEM subjects after coming out as trans*, and then failing to get reasonable positions for their experience and knowledge.

It happened to me.

I do not think that STEM is so alone with this. It is universal and improving. However, my real thoughts behind the lack of trans* folks in positions of authority or academic achievement in STEM relate to do with being trans* itself.

To achieve and do well in STEM subjects requires hard work and dedication. A constant push to be know, improve, publish papers. Trans-folk wreck our careers struggling with our gender. I use myself as an example.

I know I could have done more. I was part of many collaborations, and my ideas were always listened to. At conferences, folk attended my talks and I was generally well know and, I would like to think, well regarded. So I should have a whole heap of papers and further things in the works. I don't, and I ended up taking a step back from my career - stepping to the side of research.

Why?

How can you concentrate on looking at data when you're struggling to look at yourself in the mirror? 

How do you have new thoughts, when all you can think about is transition?

How can you feel happy going to the lab, attending conferences, etc when  your body feels unnaturally and you know that the person you present is a fraud; so much easier to hide away and retreat from the world. 

How can you really make good career choices, push yourself to the limit when you, achieve anything when your whole life sucks. In science you cannot have anything but focus to be successful - and I had no ability to focus on anything but my gender. 

Plus I expected to be an outcast when I came out, so why would I push myself to do well anyway? And just so you know, when I did come out as trans*, the industrial engineering companies that said 'you have a job with us any time', well, the offers dried up pretty sharpish. Sure, for legit sounding reasons - but really? I'm lucky, I landed on my feet and I have the chance to build myself up with amazing support from an amazing group and department. Many are not so lucky. 

And finally, how can you push and look to the future, when you really have no guarantee that you have one? The stats for trans* murders are shocking, the suicide stats and just horrifying. Take it from me, in that mind set, achieving all you can from your career is nothing but a passing thought.

So, that is why there are so few role models in science. Not because of STEM itself, but the struggle we trans-folk face with our lives. I think some will come through. Will I call any heros? I doubt it - not surprising given that my personal hero trans* person is a punk singer! But some role models will emerge. 

Thing is, times are a changing and many folk are transitioning earlier and earlier. My gender doctor yesterday told me that he wishes more folk could get access to transition earlier so they can get on with their lives, and I agree. Sure, they will have their problems. I would not want to slight that. Being trans* will still have stigma and 'associated issues' for quite a while.  But I honestly think that they will be able to get on with their lives earlier - thus the entire career screwing-up rubbish will go away. I think today's youth have the chance to be as successful as they can be. 

Yet, I said that there will not be any trans* role models - why is this. Well, to be honest, because I'm hopeful and have faith in humanity. Cheesy.

Thing is, there will come I time, and I hope I will see it, where there are not trans* role models in STEM. There will not even be male and female role models. Even better, there will just be role models- scientists and mathematicians and engineers. There will be no reason to label people as trans* role models, just some who happen to be trans*.