Where are all the trans* role models in STEM?

Earlier this week I was part of a series of short talks based around the theme of LGBT heroes. The talk went well, but as can be expected I skipped a few salient lines of information. Further, I had some questions on my talk which at the time I did not answer as well as I could have done.

I thought a few folks may enjoy reading my talk, but for those that already heard it, I have also added a little to hopefully make my points a little clearer! (Clearly, I somewhat paraphrased when talking out loud!)

So let me start by saying that there are very few trans* role models out there in STEM subjects and, in my opinion, that will remain the case.

Why STEM? Well, I am a scientist and an engineer, with degrees in both subjects - so the topic has some importance for me. STEM itself, standing for science, technology, engineering and mathematics, is a term that has been coined when trying to promote diversity in STEM subjects - so in itself that is a good thing. However, the truth remains that whilst the acronym has a very positive message, the subjects it describes need for the push.

But, I should back up. What are heroes? Well, for me a hero is someone I can aspire to, emulate. Someone who makes me want to be something more - something like them. Sure, I am a huge fan of various singers, bands and climbers. But do I want to be them? No. I just admire them. And those super brave folks who run into burning building to save children, that stand in front of Nazi marches and calling out their evil - they are heroic - but not my heroes. I do not want aspire to do such actions, although I hope that when the time came I would. No, heroes to me are something else.

When asked who my heroes are in the past, I have never been able to answer this - with one exception. As I grow older, I remember seeing a play when I was ten with my mother where a guy portrayed Ziggy Stardust. 

I remember asking my mother

'Who is that?'

' David Bowie, he's a singer.'

 'So... that is a boy?'

'Yep.'

'And he wears makeup and a skirt?'

'Yes - he wears what he wants.'

'Is that allowed?'(I was 10!)

'You can do whatever you want'. 

At that time I gained two heroes. David Bowie gave me someone I could relate to and, in hindsight, my mother for being so damn awesome about the whole thing and totally accepting.

In recent years, when I realised that transition was inevitable, I started to gain heroes - the YouTube stars who shared their stories on-line and showed me what I could have, how my life could be - that transition is possible. These were people I related to. Folks who were getting on with their lives, but sharing that they were also trans*. Showing that both a life and being myself was possible. People who I was jealous of, and who gave me the strength to get over that and get on with my transition. Without their strength, I would be nowhere. I say this with conviction, because had I had these heroes as a teen I know I would have taken steps much earlier. 

A quick shout out to some of these YouTube folks:"Kristins Trans Life" and "Minorqback" - I shared their videos with my mother as they explained what I was going through far better than I could at the time. "Isley Reust" whose maturity on the topic of living and also happening to be trans* put me to shame when I realised she turned 21 last year! And the fierce "Grishno" - who makes me feel I can and should argue for LGBT rights - who is able to reassure me that we should be able to have rights. An amazing role model. Since coming out I also found great support from "Claire Michelle", knowing that we were going through similar things at the same time.

Notably, I saw Laura Jane Grace, the singer of the punk band Against Me! come out very publicly as trans*. This was someone who I would go watch when they play a show, someone I could imagine dancing next to in a rock club, and someone I feel I would go to the pub with. Not only was she a punk trans* girl like me, but she handled questions with an air of 'I happen to be trans*'. I found someone I could relate to, aspire to, and it is no surprise I was listening to her album 'transgender dysphoria blues' the day I visited the endocrinologist for the first time; which also happens to be the first day I was given hormones.

So a hero is someone I can aspire to - someone I feel I relate to. I'm a scientist and engineer, but I never had heroes in those roles because it is what I do - not what I aspire to. But surely there are some role models, right? Sure, STEM folks get little publicity and press so you have to look them up, but there must be some.Right?

Do you know that Wikipedia has 'List of transgender people' which it states "This list consists of well-known people who are transgender in identity." There are so many notable transgender folk around, we can compress them into a list of around 100. And it has been updated recently (both Lana and Lily Wachowski are on there). And it contains a lot of celebrities. There are some politicians and lawyers - like 2 or 3. And from all of STEM, maybe 3 names. Huh. Is this a surprise though? Well, not really. I look at myself and I get it. 

Like I say, I do not think that STEM subjects are particularly hostile to diversity, I think it just diversity is rare in this range of subjects. I could theorise on this; I certainly have thoughts to do with a stifling of creativity in science - the antithesis of what science should be to my mind. But that would be a topic for another time. However, whilst the acronym STEM itself shows we are trying to reach out in science, the truth is that it is still a hostile environment. I have heard of homophobia within some of the departments at my University, disguised as other things. I have felt hostility for a senior department member, but whether that was transphobia or internal politics I cannot decide. And I would say that things are better within the academic field, I have read too many stories of folks losing jobs in STEM subjects after coming out as trans*, and then failing to get reasonable positions for their experience and knowledge.

It happened to me.

I do not think that STEM is so alone with this. It is universal and improving. However, my real thoughts behind the lack of trans* folks in positions of authority or academic achievement in STEM relate to do with being trans* itself.

To achieve and do well in STEM subjects requires hard work and dedication. A constant push to be know, improve, publish papers. Trans-folk wreck our careers struggling with our gender. I use myself as an example.

I know I could have done more. I was part of many collaborations, and my ideas were always listened to. At conferences, folk attended my talks and I was generally well know and, I would like to think, well regarded. So I should have a whole heap of papers and further things in the works. I don't, and I ended up taking a step back from my career - stepping to the side of research.

Why?

How can you concentrate on looking at data when you're struggling to look at yourself in the mirror? 

How do you have new thoughts, when all you can think about is transition?

How can you feel happy going to the lab, attending conferences, etc when  your body feels unnaturally and you know that the person you present is a fraud; so much easier to hide away and retreat from the world. 

How can you really make good career choices, push yourself to the limit when you, achieve anything when your whole life sucks. In science you cannot have anything but focus to be successful - and I had no ability to focus on anything but my gender. 

Plus I expected to be an outcast when I came out, so why would I push myself to do well anyway? And just so you know, when I did come out as trans*, the industrial engineering companies that said 'you have a job with us any time', well, the offers dried up pretty sharpish. Sure, for legit sounding reasons - but really? I'm lucky, I landed on my feet and I have the chance to build myself up with amazing support from an amazing group and department. Many are not so lucky. 

And finally, how can you push and look to the future, when you really have no guarantee that you have one? The stats for trans* murders are shocking, the suicide stats and just horrifying. Take it from me, in that mind set, achieving all you can from your career is nothing but a passing thought.

So, that is why there are so few role models in science. Not because of STEM itself, but the struggle we trans-folk face with our lives. I think some will come through. Will I call any heros? I doubt it - not surprising given that my personal hero trans* person is a punk singer! But some role models will emerge. 

Thing is, times are a changing and many folk are transitioning earlier and earlier. My gender doctor yesterday told me that he wishes more folk could get access to transition earlier so they can get on with their lives, and I agree. Sure, they will have their problems. I would not want to slight that. Being trans* will still have stigma and 'associated issues' for quite a while.  But I honestly think that they will be able to get on with their lives earlier - thus the entire career screwing-up rubbish will go away. I think today's youth have the chance to be as successful as they can be. 

Yet, I said that there will not be any trans* role models - why is this. Well, to be honest, because I'm hopeful and have faith in humanity. Cheesy.

Thing is, there will come I time, and I hope I will see it, where there are not trans* role models in STEM. There will not even be male and female role models. Even better, there will just be role models- scientists and mathematicians and engineers. There will be no reason to label people as trans* role models, just some who happen to be trans*.

Male privilege and mansplaining for trans-women?

There are a few things on my mind. One of them is the idea of how women are perceived and how women perceive themselves. Pretty important to me, all in all.

And note: there is no complaint here, just observations and comments. I'd not swap my life for owt.

There are a whole bunch of studies that show that women who speak up, speak out, etc are considered bossy whilst similar action from a male is seen as ‘manly’ or at least acceptable. Women should be quiet. Women should not offer up ideas. Women should defer to men when it comes to explanations and decisions.  I’m pretty sure no one reading this blog shares such antiquated views – but it is out there. It has permeated society – even subconsciously. 

I have read statistics that show that whilst females achieve the same grades as males up to and including year one of an undergrad course, by year 3 they fall behind. It is a big discussion in STEM, why is this the case? The numbers don’t lie so something is going on. One discussion I was in circled to a paper suggesting that the issue is, primarily, communication. Not understanding by the female students, not in the writing of exam papers, but in the fear of asking questions during classes when something is not understood by that student. 

As undergrad courses progress, the ability to pass exams by simply repeating previous work and answers, i.e. studying past-papers, becomes a poor learning method and doomed to failure. For later stages of a degree, the student must understand the work. The way to do that, is to ask and question what it is you are taught. At this stage you must stand up and make your voice heard. And therein lies the problem. 

As discussed above, women are conditioned by society to think about what they say out loud. If you question something you are seen as bossy. And if you actually ask a question, you can be seen as less smart – even though a male doing the same thing is not considered a reflection of intellect. 

I chatted about this with a smart, very capable professor who happens to be female and she told me that whilst normally she will speak up, in some crowds she does double think and maybe keep quiet. When she does speak, she makes sure she knows what she is saying and can back it up. I was surprised by her, but she told me that whilst rare, she really notices when she does it. 

So is this why female students struggle to equal males as they progress through a degree? There does seem to be a solid case.

I have particular interest in this. I want to ‘pass’ as well as I can as a female. I want to be taken and accepted as a woman. So, does that mean I have to keep my mouth shut? Am I betraying myself when I voice an opinion? Even worse, when I do express an opinion over that of another female, and I thought to be mansplaining? Damn it, like I haven’t got enough to worry about without having to check what I say. And yet, the thought crosses my mind… a lot. And in some cases, I have kept quiet. At the very least, I always analyse what I said, how I said it and how it makes appear. It bothers me to think that I may be seen to be ‘speaking as a male’. How stupid is that? 

The thing is, I spout a lot of words. They spring forth from my mouth with very little control.

I have no intention of speaking over others – and I often find my mouth opening and then having to close it to wait for someone else to finish. Not because my views are more important than theirs. The reasons: I have a lot of ideas; I get over excited by those ideas; I know I will forget them if I do not share them often within 5 seconds. 

I do listen, I do give people their time to talk. I often find myself locked out of conversations because I fear talking over someone else – especially in big groups or those where I am less comfortable with the crowd. But I also have a habit of filling gaps with flippant comments or jokes – no matter how poor they are. So it does sound like I talk a lot I think, and I defiantly start to say something a lot. I know this gets noticed. 

But on the flip side, I am confident and happy for the first time in my life, so I feel I have something to add. 

So the question is, is it because of my own little mental ticks that I talk a lot or because of male conditioning? 

Worse, do I really have to monitor everything I say for fear of being accused of taking over the conversation? When you want to be accepted as your true gender, do you have to start fitting into female stereotypes? Because surely this is a kick to the balls of feminism? Ironically, if I do keep speaking up – will other women then accuse me of, ugh term, mansplaining? Do women judge what other women say just as much as men? Damnit, I want to fit in. I want to be accepted. But should I compromise in order to do so? If I don’t compromise, will I end up upsetting the same folks that would judge me for compromising? 

I read about male privilege and I know it to be true. I worked in engineering and I was privy to very sexist discussions. I had a hard enough time because I died my hair and was therefore ‘gay’. I never joined in with the spirit of these conversations, but I could not go against that either. In my private life, yes. I’ll speak up. But at work, where you are already on the back-foot (there were vicious rumours circulating that I liked to dress as a woman back then hahahaha!), then you need to keep your head down. 

Weak, no. Preservation. You cannot win every fight, and a smart person knows which ones to pick.

So yes, I heard these discussions. Does this mean I had male privilege? First up, as I say I was on the receiving end a lot so I’m not sure I ever really had male privilege. I had some – but what does that mean. Everyone I knew had no idea who I was. My entire life was a lie. Whenever I heard dumb sexist things, I felt my stomach clench but was powerless. Now, on the flip side I generally felt safe walking around town late at night. I never had guys grab my ass and assume that that was ok. 

Well, unless you count the times when I was in ‘drag’ (for lack of a much better word), in which case I felt very unsafe and men really did think groping was ok as I was not female, I was a ‘tranny’ – a disposable human. But let’s put that to one side. Over all, maybe I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have done. But, I did have some male privilege and there is no denying that. 

Would I swap that for a life where I was not miserable every day and felt suicidal? In a heartbeat. I don’t want to feel scared, or squashed. But don’t think male privilege made my life easy. It was one issue swapped for another. And no one should be saying that ‘my pain is bigger than your pain’. That is ridiculous. But know that just because someone had one thing easier, does not mean they don’t have other things harder. This really isn’t a contest.

So how do I proceed? Do I use the lessons I learnt as a male. Damn, I walk alone at night quite comfortably – but then I remember that I no longer have the same strength I had. And more, I am trans*. So male privilege has given me a false sense of security. 

Should I shut up instead of talking? Should I have no opinions? Well, no. Everyone’s views should be judged on merit, not on gender. Of course, I should be respectful of others, and I hope I am. But I really think fitting into a quiet, feminine role is just disrespectful of the great things feminism has achieved.

Too long have I hidden in shadows. And I didn’t just hide, I retreated and pulled those shadows around me. Shrouded myself within them. Now I walk a tight line. But I do so loudly and proudly. But I've never been good on slack-lines...

A simple guide to terms and pronouns for transgender humans

So, a short while ago our staff network had someone introduce themselves to our group via the staff LGBT+ mailing list. This person introduced themselves as a cross-dresser, and stated that they are transgender.

I should have sent my hellos really. I didn’t think to do this because I had had coffee with the same person that day and have known their personal situation for some time.

The reason I should have is that I am the openly trans* person on the LGBT E&D advisory group (as far as I know – I shouldn’t assume, but I’m sure someone would have said otherwise…), as well as a member of said mailing list. I have made it clear that I am open about my gender and am happy to answer questions. 

Therefore, the reason I should have openly responded to the email is not for the person themselves, but for the rest of the mailing list.

Why? Well, I was at a social the following week and I realised that a number of well informed, groovy folks didn’t necessarily understand the email as well as I. As in, the wording. More, this is not a simple binary situation. These people know I am a transgender woman and that I am she/her/hers. But crossdressers – how does that fit into things?  What are the right terms and pronouns to use? How do you deal with getting it wrong?

Terminology is hard. We, as a society, are improving our understanding of those around us all the time. We have a long way to go, but I am sure that the number of folks on the streets of Oxford understand the term trangender. They may not be perfect with it, but I expect they understand what it entails and that, importantly, it is not a fetish thing – and hopfully not a mental illness. I think so. Maybe not all, but certainly a much higher percentage than say five years ago.

But, as I said, terminology is hard. There are so many variables. So many permutations. And as great as society is, I am reminded constantly that even terms that have been around a while are not actually ‘common’. A few times recently I have been asked what I mean by ‘LGBT’.

We should not assume that terms we, in the queer community, use all the time have actually gained universal understanding. In the same way that using the term sputtering in the, common in the material science field, has a very limited wider-scale understanding. And when it comes to gender, it is hard to keep up with language.

Why is it hard? Well, simply because meaning shift. Once gay meant happy, and certain derogatory terms were seen as acceptable. Queer is an interesting one. Once a pejorative term, it has been reclaimed by the LGBT+ community as an umbrella term, in many ways an alternative to LGBT+ which is, letter count-wise, ever expanding. It encompasses gender and sexuality if used in blanket form and is, in my opinion, a fantastic choice for this purpose (having been repurposed!).

Gender terms (and variations) and growing /changing fast. Recently there was a list of ‘gender choices’ distributed (apparently from a school survey). I think there were like 20 odd terms. Now I am trans* and try to keep my finger on the trans-pulse. But I had never heard of many, didn’t understand others and would be hard pressed to provide an suitable explanation for others that would make everyone happy.

So I thought it would be cool if I could at least put some thoughts down for a few of the, let’s say, ‘basic’ trans* terms. Again, this is my interpretation (how I referred to myself) – and my way of dealing with things like pronouns – to be used as a guide but not gospel.

So transgender is the umbrella term for all gender variance. It may no longer be suitable as it is basically a binary term: given it’s meaning of ‘across’ as a comparison to cisgender (‘same’). It is pretty clear there are other genders that are both or neither of the binary genders, but this is still the currently accepted term. It can be shortened to trans or trans*. The asterisk I there as a placeholder: transgender, transsexual, transvestite, trans-woman, trans-man, etc. 

Transsexual is a term that is out of favour to be honest. It refers to someone medically transitioning. I use this term for myself. I think it is ‘fit for purpose’ as an explaining term and it does give me a distinction within the umbrella term of transgender. I suppose it is out of favour as it uses the word ‘sexual’ which may be confusing I guess, but I’m still happy to use it for myself. I would not use it for others though, unless I know they are happy with it. Confusing enough?

Transvestites and cross-dressers are less understood. These terms are probably the ones that are most often thought of as fetish-like, but this is not generally correct. True, some cis-gender people will cross-dress either as a fetish or ‘as a laugh’. These people are not transgender. Ditto drag-queens and –kings.

However, cross-dressing can also be used for transgender people who wear clothing of the opposite sex because they feel comfortable or happy doing so. It is that sense of feeling ‘right’ that makes it a transgender thing, rather than ‘feel dirty’ as a fetish (for lack of a far more suitable term).

Transvestite used to add to this; not only wearing the clothes of the opposite (born) gender but also acting and feeling this way. But I would say that these days many trans-folk use cross-dresser this way and I cannot help but think that the term transvestite is more out of favour as it is more understood to refer to someone who dresses for fetish, reasons than because they are trans*. Maybe I am wrong.

A case study: How would I describe myself at various times of my life and what pronouns are correct?

So, I have always been transgender. Full stop.

When young I cross-dressed, just to see how clothes and makeup felt on me due to some deep down desire. At this time I was he/him/his – because I didn’t know any better.

As a teen and post-teen I was somewhere in the gender fluid / androgynous range. I wore makeup, had long pink hair and just wore what I wanted. During this time, honestly I’d have been happiest with the pronouns they/their/theirs. But mostly (as a scruffy punk/goth/grunge teen) I went by ‘it’. This term is only suitable for teenagers, regardless of gender. I just didn’t care, I looked what I wanted.

Then I grew older and gained fear of upsetting the normal folk. For years I lived as a closet transvestite. I spent as much time wearing and ‘acting’ female as I could, whilst all the time presenting and living as a male. I occasionally went clubbing, but again this was me: the transvestite. Now, during this time I was he/him/his when presenting as male and she/her/hers when presenting as female – and this is something I would apply to trans* cross-dressers.

At a certain point, I medically transitioned. Then I saw myself as transsexual. Socially I had not fully transitioned, so during this time I presented as androgynous. I presented as neither male nor female. Again, the pronouns they/their/theirs fit best but I let it go.

Then, I followed my medical transition with a social transition. At this point, she/her/hers is clearly the correct choice of pronoun. With this came a name change. And as I said in a previous blog entry, not only did I change my legal name from a male to female name (as defined by standard social conventions), but I actually used a name different to my transvestite name. Neither of my old names fit me anymore. I was someone else, someone reborn. So, I had a new name to match.

I have been in many states of ‘transiness’. I have moved through various stages so I know what they are like. Not all trans-folk are at the same stage as me, and some have no intention of every moving through them all. It is a personal choice.

So when a person describes themselves as “a cross-dresser and transgender”, I’ve been there. I both understand and support that person and their gender identity.

So, why did this blog come to be? Well, some folks were asking how to deal with pronouns for someone who is not clearly of a binary – or rather, of different binaries depending upon the situation. Well, as I said above, takes clues from someone’s overtly gendered appearance or name. If someone presents as overtly male, use male pronouns – and the same for females. Pick up the signs. This is especially true if they have a male and female name that matches.

Of course, this will not always work. As I say, I was gender-fluid and wore makeup ‘as a boy’. And there are non-binary and gender-neutral folks around. Some boys are just very, classically effeminate and some women are butch. Yes, hideous ways of describing a person’s look, never do it to someone’s face (or behind their back), but I am using these words as they are easy to understand.

So you will be in the situation where you are just unsure. I’ll be honest – this is tricky.

There is no good way of dealing with it – but I would suggest that it is better to try rather than not. If I am unsure, I introduce myself and follow with my pronouns. If they are trans*, chances are they will do the same in response and won’t if they are cisgender. Not defiantly, but maybe.

Still not sure, well, there are three options.

Totally avoid pronouns in reference to that person at all. Which is harder to do than you may think, but possible.

Or, use gender neutral pronouns, they/their/theirs. Technically, this is not wrong to do and I am trying to do this as standard at the moment. But it does come across a little distant and cold so I understand not wanting to do this. But, as I say, at least you are not wrong. (Course, if a person looks, dresses and acts overtly of one gender, and has a clear binary name that matches it would be weird to go neutral and may upset some folks. I’d be bothered by it to be honest.)

Then your other option is to ask. Shocking! Now again, I personally would be a little put off by this seeing as I clearly present as female – but better this than getting it wrong. Sure, you could always say it to that sensitive person who gets massively upset – but I suspect it would be more cisgender folks that would be upset by this than trans-folk (or trans-folk who VERY CLEARLY as their gender). Again, at least you are not getting it wrong and you are making an effort.

Ok, side note. Obviously here I am saying that I think it can be appropriate, and fair, to ask for someone’s pronouns of choice. However, unless it is clearly acceptable you really should not ask what their gender or sex is. I know. It is weird and it has some sort of sigma. Society would be better if we were able to be more open. If asking was normal it would not single anyone out. Really the utopia would be a society where you really cannot assume gender (and sexuality). But for now this is a kinda line that you shouldn’t assume you can cross.

It goes without saying that there is very few times when asking what genitals someone has is appropriate. And this includes the question “have you had the surgery” or similar iterations.

So given how complicated it is:  you will get it wrong. I get called he from time to time by folks that know my gender identity. I slip and use the wrong pronouns from time to time when referring to others. And I think of the old me, the gender-bending boy in a dress who could easily be called ‘her’. Well intentioned by the speaker, but wrong. (Course, I would have not minded and I assume other gender-fluid folk are the same, but everyone is different!)

You even if you know the correct pronouns to use, you will still get it wrong. For me, the best way to get over it is to just carry on. And then make sure you get it right next time. I know it was a subconscious slip caused by the knowledge I was born male; something I make no effort to hide and actually talk about quite openly.

Yet sure, some folk will be upset – and will either tell you straight away or, you know, glare at you. What do you do then? Well, I still feel it is madness to stop and correct yourself. Maybe, if you do it so quickly that it is practically the same mashed-up word it is ok. But otherwise you are drawing attention to the mistake. Carry on talking.

If you do carry on and are getting the evil eye, maybe try and force the conversation so you have to use a pronoun ASAP: and get it right! In this way you are not drawing attention to your slip but you have made it clear that it was a slip and you know better.

Some folks may not give you the chance, and may jump in and say something. Well, in that case there is little to do but say sorry. It was a minor mistake on your part and the person jumping down your throat really needs to let things go a little because it happens – a LOT. If I jumped on every mistake I would be wound up and constantly looking to spring. That would not be healthy. Know yourself that you just made an honest, simple mistake in your own mind.

Course, if you keep doing it then you are a jerk. At some point you should learn!!!