Monday, 5 January 2015

2014 - My Chrysalis Year

2014 has been one heck of a year. One fantastic ride. So much so that I needed to write about it, share it with you and publish it for posterity. I learned to overcome my fears. I decided to reach for my dreams. I dealt with my head. I realised I don't give a bugger what other people think of me. And I confirmed what I have long suspected, I have the best family and friends I could ever hope to have.

There is a little chance that there will be some overlap in this blog with previous entries and those I have written but not yet published. The reasons I transitioned have already been discussed here as well as the start of the journey. But this is pretty much shot from the heart. It will be a little cheesy in parts but it is an honest recount of my year - the year I really did do the chrysalis thing. I ain't no butterfly just yet but I believe I am getting closer.

2014 was a real difficult year to start. I was a few weeks into the realisation that I am trans and that no matter how much I thought it was not that big a deal, it was. I could continue. I could go on living as I was living. But the truth is I no longer wanted to live as a boy. I have my happiness's. Heck, I have an amazing life. But it was not quite the life I knew I should be living. I was altering what I did and wanted to do, lying to everyone including myself. I was fitting myself to other people and my own head had started to fight back - making me live a solitary life and one that could easily have become hermit like. And I accepted that as the truth of my life. In 2014 I realised, decided, that not only did I not want this, but also that I could have a real life. I could have my friends, I could have my desired life and I could live free of the chains holding me down. 

 It took a while though.

I started 2014 very unhappy, very depressed. I knew that I needed to transition but had no idea how I would find the strength to do so. The courage to turn my life upside-down. Because I was scared - very, very scared. And I hate to say things that make me sound full of myself but so many folks have said how brave I am to transition and come out. I realise it is true. There are so many folk that need so much more strength than me to come out, transition, etc due to social circumstances. But if I was not scared I would have done it years ago. This was my biggest fear and my biggest desire. And at the beginning of 2014 I knew I needed to find the strength.

I started to find it in two ways. One was having a great therapist that understood my situation. Once you start to talk it through, realise you are not crazy or even alone then suddenly it just seems a little more reachable. The other is maybe not the same for all trans folk, but I needed to deal with my mental health issues. Whether my depression, ticks, psychoses are all related to my gender identity dysphoria or whether they are unrelated issues - or more likely a combination of both - I had to sort it out. There is a stigma to talking about it - I never did much. And there is a stigma to taking medication to sort your head out. I never wanted to take meds for my head, especially long term, for fear of becoming dependent and reliant on them. I have had asthma since I was about five and need to take medication for this; I always will need to unless there is a major medical development. This year I came to accept that my brain is no different. The meds are not the mind numbing chemicals they were when I was younger - medicine has moved on. I need help breathing. I need help making my hormones what they should be. And I need help sorting out the chemicals in my brain. Makes sense, but it took a long time to accept this truth.

So I got my head sorted out and I talked with someone that understood me and started to discuss who I really am. This gave me that push in the right direction. Things moved on. I realised where I was headed and the fear was there, large in mind, but hope was there too. This enabled me to get excited and I did, in buckets! I started hormones. Again, I was not sure what to make of this at the time and it took me a while to come round, to actually accept that I was making a start to transition! And once I did my spirits rose like never before. I started to understand pure joy rather than acceptance of my lot. The hope grew and I could see the future. I wanted to share this with those close to me and that meant coming out. This provided so much more anxiety but I was starting to understand that I could be who I am. I just got on with it. I had no option.

All my family and friends have been amazing. The acceptance I have got, the love, the support. I am so very lucky. Each person gave me more strength. It sounds cheesy but you have no idea how much I have got from each of you, and how that has helped me to move forward. Once I knew that those closest to my heart want me to be me I stopped being scared of rejection from those in the second and third orbits of my heart. From there it was easy to not give a stuff about those that I do not know or feel little for. So very easy. My confidence has grown and I know I am letting myself look more and more how I want to look as the weeks go by. It helps that my body and mind ore changing but I just feel so much more comfortable doing whatever the hell I want. Today in work I wore pretty much what I want to wear minus makeup. I had on pretty boots, looooong vest, tight tight jeans, shiny nail varnish, handbag and I have had my hair coloured and styled (complete with clips for half the day). Yep - those that do not know looked at me weird but I just smiled to myself. Bugger em! I actually just felt like I was myself - at work!!! Amazing. And I fully intend to continue this in 2015.
2014 ended with me receiving a card from my mum with 'to a special daughter. On the front and to Mummy' on the inside. I spent a lot of time with family and friends. I shopped for boots and handbags with my mum. I wore more or less what I want and was confident enough to do so in public. Everyone I know treated me like normal. Seriously, like nothing has changed. It hasn't but I was worried it would. There were questions, sure. But I love to talk about my new life - I have wanted it for so long. How can I not want to share the goodness? So the questions are so welcome. It shows people are interested in me! I spent the first time being completely honest and myself with friends and family which you cannot underestimate for the good of the spirit. And I welcomed the new year in in a dress and a little makeup with me mum - even doing the traditional stand outside in the cold to knock and be welcomed into the house, bringing in the new year, as myself. complete with new handbag.

2014 really was my chrysalis year. I went in terrified of the future and torn up inside, full of conflict and fear at the start. By the end I just feel like I am living my life and I am loving it. I have more growing and learning to do in 2015 but I am headed the right way. I have the hope that I can do what I want. I know it will all work out and that bumps in the road will be bumps in the road. I have the strength of my loved ones to overcome my fears and hardships. I know that life will not be perfectly easy but I am not scared to take chances and reach further out.

I thank you all for that. I wish you and amazing and prosperous, amazing 2015.

Tears of joy and love Clara xxx

No comments:

Post a Comment