Wednesday, 26 November 2014

When I knew I was transgender (but why I figured it wasn't an issue)

Hey guys. So I am a transsexual female. I am currently transitioning (nearly six months when I post this). If you are of the “this is abnormal / against god” persuasion then maybe you should browse elsewhere. This is my space. But I thought I would start filling in a little bit of information about myself and my journey so far for my friends. And maybe as advice for other folks thinking about starting their own journey. Get in touch with questions and stuff – I am happy to chat and will always try to help!

I want to say "this is a blog" - but I am really, really poor at that. I have no discipline or self control. So I ain't gonna trck myself into thinking I will keep a regular blog. But I will write as the fancy takes me. And maybe, someday, repeat what I have here as a vlog. I like the idea. We shall see.


This is all pretty personal. My own, inner most thoughts. This is what I did and how I did / do view the world. It may seem at parts like I hated life but this is not true. I have had a wonderful time so far on this earth. But, some times were hard. When are they not? More, this blog is about me. By association, others are involved. I have kept the names out but friends know who they are and when stuff happened. I have only mentioned people I love and because I feel like I kept things from them, lied to them (without knowing it in many cases). So, in some ways, those parts are mini apologies. Not one ever did me wrong in any way and I want to make that clear – they were, and continue to be, amazing!

Anyways. this first chapter may strike many similarities to other trans-folk out there. (And hopefully become more unique come part 2!) So - when did I know I was trans? Well, like many transsexuals I figured it out at an early age. As long ago as I can remember. One of my earliest memories was playing with my sister in the back yard and for some reason I ended up wearing one of her skirts. No idea why or how, like I say I was really small. And I still remember that. I remember it felt like I shouldn't be doing it and would get in trouble but at the same time that I always wanted to wear skirts. Crazy to think that I was so young and knew what felt right - and that it was not the social norm. 

From there, over the years I would try and get my sister to dare me to wear her clothes as we went through being children and playing crazy games. And when she was out I would pinch a skirt or dress and wear it as long as I could before I got caught. In truth, it a compulsion. But I just always wanted to do it. I looked enviously at the clothes my sister had and felt a little cheated. Don't get me wrong, my mum bought me clothes I liked. But deep down I wanted the long hair, ribbons, dresses and tights. I didn't know what this meant of course; except that it was not something I should let anyone else know. 

That said, I loved playing with my transformers as a kid. And my Star Wars / He-man / Ghostbusters figures. And my action man. Loved it. But yes - I would pinch my sisters Barbie or whatever and have my action man playing husband and wife. Now I think, I did have a lot of clothes for my action man and loved playing dress up… Course, Barbies clothes never fit him - poor guy. But I was never really jealous of my sisters toys, just her clothes. 

With one exception, she had these beautiful flower fairies. I was secretly obsessed with them and played with them whenever I could. I was really jealous of them. So very, very pretty. Weirdly, my obsession with fairies has never abated and I will tell a story at a later date about them - a sudden thought of fairies that sparked this memory of my sisters flower fairies. 

So as a kid I would 'borrow' clothes where I could, pinch me mums makeup and experiment. And keep it all on the absolute secret down low. And then I became a teenager and I could grow my hair. After all, all the bands I loved had males with long hair so it was fine. Then I met Manics fans and the guys work more makeup than the girls. I had discovered Bowie at around 10 and loved the music. But I was fascinated by the fact he work make up. To me it was a revelation and I knew that growing up may be interesting. And once I hung with those Manics fans - it was. I dyed my hair red or pink or yellow (or any colour or combination of the rainbow). I got my own makeup and did what I thought was glam but was actually just a bit scary Marylin Manson in hindsight. I wore fishnets under cut-off shorts like Trent from Nine Inch Nails. And yes, I got called freak and stuff but I didn't care. I loved it. 

A few times I went out in drag. Not often. But the freedom I had those times was amazing. My friends were so liberal that they just took me as was. Any grief I got from strangers disappeared in a confidence with presenting as myself. Funny. When I thought about wearing a dress in public I stressed and panicked. When I did it, I was so self assured and care free. How come I only worked this out recently?

But as I was a teenager / young adult - it was all fun and games. My ability to walk the line, be androgynous, eased my desire to dress as a girl. But I always had the desire deep down. As an early teenager I remember seeing a program on TV (ha!) that contained transexuals. It explained all about them and talked about them changing their bodies with medicine and surgery; and how they lived as females. I instantly clicked. I got it and knew I was like them. I was so jealous that their bodies were somewhat female (i.e. they grew hips and bought boobs). I did not hate my body. It just was not the one I wanted and I became more and more aware of this as I watched the girls around me bloom. I must have been like 13 but I just knew that was what I wanted to be if I had not been so scared of 'society'. For years I dreamt of just running away to where no one knew me and trying to live as a girl in secret. Heck, I still had fantasies of that in my late 20s. The idea stuck and I knew who I would be if no one I knew was around to judge me. Strangers I didn't really care about. But those I love, friends and family, I do care about. And I do care about their opinion of me. Of course, I never should have worried but when you are not quite at ease with yourself, how can you trust how others will be with you? 

So instead I tried to act 'more' male. (And yet – so few of my friends were surprised when I came out. And I have been told I have always been camp. So, yer. I cannot even get my version of overtly male right – and that is fine!) At some stage I started to buff up, hitting the gym with a guy I worked with who was a body builder. We were in the gym 5 times a week for a year and I expanded pretty damn well. But as soon as I stopped I regretted having done it. I let my muscles shrink. But there are certain areas, such as my chest and back, that will never regain the skinny, stick thin-goth figure I once had. Arse. 

As a male, the question often arises of what superpower you want. I always said flight (which would be awesome). But secretly I wanted the ability to change sex at will. To become a female. To wear female attire. To be treated as a female and have female experiences. To just BE female - that was what I wanted. The number of day dreams I had where there would be an accident and somehow my 'maleness' would need removing so I would be surgically transformed into a girl 'for my own good'. I would fall asleep at night just hoping for some sort of freak accident so that I could legitimately become female. Wishing to randomly waking up a girl. Ah, but it is so much harder than that in real life. And I knew that. So I made do with dressing in secret as a girl, being a gothy make-up boy on nights out and felt happy enough with it. 

Or, you know, so I thought...