There are a few things on my
mind. One of them is the idea of how women are perceived and how women perceive
themselves. Pretty important to me, all in all.
And note: there is no complaint
here, just observations and comments. I'd not swap my life for owt.
There are a whole bunch of
studies that show that women who speak up, speak out, etc are considered bossy
whilst similar action from a male is seen as ‘manly’ or at least acceptable.
Women should be quiet. Women should not offer up ideas. Women should defer to
men when it comes to explanations and decisions. I’m pretty sure no one reading this blog
shares such antiquated views – but it is out there. It has permeated society –
even subconsciously.
I have read statistics that show
that whilst females achieve the same grades as males up to and including year
one of an undergrad course, by year 3 they fall behind. It is a big discussion
in STEM, why is this the case? The numbers don’t lie so something is going on.
One discussion I was in circled to a paper suggesting that the issue is,
primarily, communication. Not understanding by the female students, not in the
writing of exam papers, but in the fear of asking questions during classes when
something is not understood by that student.
As undergrad courses progress,
the ability to pass exams by simply repeating previous work and answers, i.e.
studying past-papers, becomes a poor learning method and doomed to failure. For
later stages of a degree, the student must understand the work. The way to do
that, is to ask and question what it is you are taught. At this stage you must
stand up and make your voice heard. And therein lies the problem.
As discussed above, women are
conditioned by society to think about what they say out loud. If you question
something you are seen as bossy. And if you actually ask a question, you can be
seen as less smart – even though a male doing the same thing is not considered
a reflection of intellect.
I chatted about this with a
smart, very capable professor who happens to be female and she told me that
whilst normally she will speak up, in some crowds she does double think and
maybe keep quiet. When she does speak, she makes sure she knows what she is
saying and can back it up. I was surprised by her, but she told me that whilst
rare, she really notices when she does it.
So is this why female students
struggle to equal males as they progress through a degree? There does seem to
be a solid case.
I have particular interest in
this. I want to ‘pass’ as well as I can as a female. I want to be taken and
accepted as a woman. So, does that mean I have to keep my mouth shut? Am I
betraying myself when I voice an opinion? Even worse, when I do express an
opinion over that of another female, and I thought to be mansplaining? Damn it,
like I haven’t got enough to worry about without having to check what I say.
And yet, the thought crosses my mind… a lot. And in some cases, I have kept
quiet. At the very least, I always analyse what I said, how I said it and how it
makes appear. It bothers me to think that I may be seen to be ‘speaking as a
male’. How stupid is that?
The thing is, I spout a lot of
words. They spring forth from my mouth with very little control.
I have no intention of speaking
over others – and I often find my mouth opening and then having to close it to
wait for someone else to finish. Not because my views are more important than
theirs. The reasons: I have a lot of ideas; I get over excited by those ideas;
I know I will forget them if I do not share them often within 5 seconds.
I do listen, I do give people
their time to talk. I often find myself locked out of conversations because I
fear talking over someone else – especially in big groups or those where I am
less comfortable with the crowd. But I also have a habit of filling gaps with
flippant comments or jokes – no matter how poor they are. So it does sound like
I talk a lot I think, and I defiantly start to say something a lot. I know this
gets noticed.
But on the flip side, I am
confident and happy for the first time in my life, so I feel I have something
to add.
So the question is, is it because
of my own little mental ticks that I talk a lot or because of male
conditioning?
Worse, do I really have to
monitor everything I say for fear of being accused of taking over the
conversation? When you want to be accepted as your true gender, do you have to
start fitting into female stereotypes? Because surely this is a kick to the
balls of feminism? Ironically, if I do keep speaking up – will other women then
accuse me of, ugh term, mansplaining? Do women judge what other women say just as
much as men? Damnit, I want to fit in. I want to be accepted. But should I
compromise in order to do so? If I don’t compromise, will I end up upsetting
the same folks that would judge me for compromising?
I read about male privilege and I
know it to be true. I worked in engineering and I was privy to very sexist
discussions. I had a hard enough time because I died my hair and was therefore
‘gay’. I never joined in with the spirit of these conversations, but I could
not go against that either. In my private life, yes. I’ll speak up. But at
work, where you are already on the back-foot (there were vicious rumours
circulating that I liked to dress as a woman back then hahahaha!), then you
need to keep your head down.
Weak, no. Preservation. You
cannot win every fight, and a smart person knows which ones to pick.
So yes, I heard these
discussions. Does this mean I had male privilege? First up, as I say I was on
the receiving end a lot so I’m not sure I ever really had male privilege. I had
some – but what does that mean. Everyone I knew had no idea who I was. My
entire life was a lie. Whenever I heard dumb sexist things, I felt my stomach
clench but was powerless. Now, on the flip side I generally felt safe walking
around town late at night. I never had guys grab my ass and assume that that
was ok.
Well, unless you count the times
when I was in ‘drag’ (for lack of a much better word), in which case I felt
very unsafe and men really did think groping was ok as I was not female, I was
a ‘tranny’ – a disposable human. But let’s put that to one side. Over all,
maybe I didn’t enjoy it as much as I could have done. But, I did have some male
privilege and there is no denying that.
Would I swap that for a life
where I was not miserable every day and felt suicidal? In a heartbeat. I don’t
want to feel scared, or squashed. But don’t think male privilege made my life easy.
It was one issue swapped for another. And no one should be saying that ‘my pain
is bigger than your pain’. That is ridiculous. But know that just because
someone had one thing easier, does not mean they don’t have other things
harder. This really isn’t a contest.
So how do I proceed? Do I use the
lessons I learnt as a male. Damn, I walk alone at night quite comfortably – but
then I remember that I no longer have the same strength I had. And more, I am
trans*. So male privilege has given me a false sense of security.
Should I shut up instead of
talking? Should I have no opinions? Well, no. Everyone’s views should be judged
on merit, not on gender. Of course, I should be respectful of others, and I
hope I am. But I really think fitting into a quiet, feminine role is just
disrespectful of the great things feminism has achieved.
Too long have I hidden in
shadows. And I didn’t just hide, I retreated and pulled those shadows around
me. Shrouded myself within them. Now I walk a tight line. But I do so loudly and
proudly. But I've never been good on slack-lines...
