This is not something that always requires much thought. Maybe when naming your cat or kid or car. And some of you may even have thoughts about your own name - do you like it or love it. But I expect that generally it is not something you have thought on so much.
Recently I had to think on my name a lot and in a few
different ways as I sent off my legal name change. Is my new name right for me?
Is it the right time to change it? Am I ready? What title do I use? And can I
let go of my old name?
I always disliked the name Paul. Not that I particularly
dislike it, it just never felt like it suited me. I didn't know why I felt that
way, but I always did. My name always felt a little alien to me. Kinda obvious
now of course!
As I come to send off my deed poll I suddenly start to
worry. I have had this name a long time. In some ways it has defined me -
having used my name to build a scientific reputation in my field meaning that
many people may know me by name only. But then, I was only so worried about
that.
For some reason I felt that by signing away my
name, which you do with a deep poll - you agree to actually give up your
name -- I would also be signing away my history. My mother gave me the name. It
was the first thing she gave me. I may feel like the name does not suit me, but
it has been me.
Of course, the idea that I am giving away my history is
crazy. My memories remain, why would they change? I know they will not go away.
But it does somehow feel like changing your name is somehow going to make you a
different you. I guess that is why so many trans* folk are so keen to change
their names as soon as they can. They feel the disconnect with the name they
have, like I had, but also want to become a different person. I understand
that, but I like my history. I like who I am and I don't plan to change
all that much. However, I did need to change my name and it did feel like a
big, positive step as part of my transition. So I did it with the same feeling
as when I started my hormones - a here we go attitude. Turns out that it
is pretty easy to do.
So, what about the actual name? Well, my mother had provided
my first name and I felt that she should have a large input into my new name.
Funny story. So I have been going out ‘en femme’ as it
were for years. I have had a trans* online presence for ages. When I
started, I had to choose a name. I had this notion that my mother had planned
to call me Sally had I been born, well - obviously and biologically born -
a girl. So I used this name online and in clubs for years. You know, that
secret life I had that none of you knew about!
But, in truth, I never really felt the name suited me. I
used it because, even though she did not know about me at the time, I wanted to
keep my mother's involvement in my name present. When I came out to her, I said
I had to decide on a name. I told her that I was known as Sally as I knew she
was going to call me that. Turns out, somehow I had made that fact up. Totally.
No idea how or why but there you go. And as a result I got the 'oh god no, I
really don't see you as a Sally'. haha. Oh well.
So that was kind of nice. Not only was I changing my name
from my male name, but also from what I now see as my transvestite name. I was
no longer either of those things, officially, so a new name felt right.
And what goes into the choice? Well - I really did not want
a name a friend or family member has. That would have felt weird for me. Then
you have to take into consideration film, comic and cartoon characters. Not
wanting to be named after a jerk! Not too girly. Not too male. Paula and
Pauline just are not for me. And once you have a name, you need to check it
online to find it's root, find out what it means. So lots to consider.
And as I say, I wanted my mother's input. So I gave her
suggestions and let her have a think. She came back with Clara and I loved it.
I had had very similar ideas and a quick google (verb) shows it to mean 'light'
from the Greek which is really pretty cool. So Clara it is. It helps that it is
also the name of a kick ass Dr Who companion, but that is not why!
A middle name was easy. Michael was quite important to my
identity as a kid as it differentiated me from the lad that sat next to me at
school, Paul James Barker. It is funny how important that middle name became to
me. And I like the female version, Michelle. It gives me a link to the original
name chosen for me by my mother and I wanted to have that link if I could.
So there we go, the choosing of the name. But the using of
it, well, that takes getting used to.
Even in a dress and makeup, for some reason I have, until recently,
always said Paul when asked in Starbucks. That important temple. No idea
why but there ya go. I did manage to change that though, and once the cycle was
broken I stuck with it!
I even did it at a bra fitting a while back. Muppet! But
now I use it when I order things online, I applied for jobs as
Clara. It really helps that in my new job and home I am only known as
Clara. That is legal now. No one makes a mistake because they do not know any
different. I am introduced as Clara, my badge says Clara, my work email is
Clara. And the way friends have taken to it - that is awesome. I have noticed,
those I talk to on Facebook often have taken to it easier - presumably because
they see it before every message so that when we meet, it is something they
have seen a lot. For others it is taking longer, and understandably so - they
know me as Paul and have little 'practice', I guess you could say, getting used
to the new name. But they try and they improve. I am now even Auntie Clara to
my niece which is amazing.
My name is becoming much more natural to me, and I love it -
it is becoming 'mine' as well as just being legally mine. I even have my new
signature down - something I had not even thought about till recently!
One final pause for consideration, for me at least. When you
fill out a deed poll to change your name, you can also change the title you
have. And this was very confusing for me. Because I am not going from Mr to
Miss - I have the title Dr. I worked bloody hard for that title and it is
something I am proud of. I want people to recognise it - there is nothing more
annoying when I send an official email or letter as Dr. Barker and then I get a
reply to Mr. Barker. Jerks.
But for so much longer, I have wanted to be recognised as
female. And yes, I have worked hard at that too. It is harder for society
to accept me as female than a Dr (although folk do struggle when they see me
with that too...). So I have the chance to put Miss on a passport and driving
license. This forces people to recognise me as female. Hopefully stops them
from mis-gendering me. I am She, Her, Hers. And I VERY much do not want people
to be under any confusion about that. I was so happy in the MAC store to be
asked "Miss or Mrs”. It grates me when I wear make-up and people call me
sir or mate or dude. Note, I do not mind when my friends slip, it is to be expected.
But strangers doing it out of ignorance - or on purpose. Yep. They can get
stuffed.
So yes. My gender, and how it is acknowledged is so
important to me. But at the same time I have also achieved the title Dr. It
does give me an air of respectability given that I am a goth and goths are not
taken seriously. Such a hard choice. What would you do?
